Figleaf's Real Adult Sex

Long-time readers might be happy to know that Goose and Gander of their epinomous blog have been on a bit of a tear lately after maybe a year of relatively low-key updates. For more recent readers Goose and Gander had a perfectly lovely, conventional marriage based on each partner’s assumption that the other would be shocked by their sexually adventurous inclinations. And so each, sacrificing his or her preferences out of commitment their marriage and their partner, kept their own sexual lid screwed down tight. And came close to separating before one or the other (can’t remember who) got brave enough to confess — expecting rejection and instead discovering intense relief.

I think a lot of couples find themselves in that situation, fueled in part by wireframe-only drawing conceptions of marriage, or partnership, or parenthood, or adulthood that we mistake for the final results. And of those who “come out” to each other, an awful lot of them simply switch one set of conceptions for another, winding up perhaps physically less strained but not necessarily emotionally closer either.

Which is why I think Goose and Gander’s story is so compelling: recognizing one set of mistakes they resolved not to simply take on another complete set, choosing instead to take what steps they took slowly, methodically, with lots of mutual check-ins, and some serious mutual generosity and respect. (It ought to be obvious that stepping outside of conventional boundaries takes generosity and respect for each other, otherwise you might find yourself escaping your relationships without having to move out or shake up your children’s lives.)

Has their relationships been smooth sailing ever since? Has their every encounter with someone old, let alone someone new, been hassle free, risk free, jealousy free, or better-to-have-loved-and-lost-than? Sheeyeah right — and they grew wings, won on American Idol, and never pay more than $1.30 for gasoline too. Oh wait! They, like we and everybody else, are humans involved with other humans so of course they’ve had burnt pancakes as well as perfect soufflés.

But more than anyone else I know they’re doing it together, exploring a multitude of kinks including bondage play, spanking and other forms of S&M, and other partners together, separately, and in groups. You don’t have to do any of this with your partners, even if you were so inclined. But if you did you’d do far worse than to choose to follow their example.

Anyway, the above has been a long preamble to the following snippet from Goose of Goose and Gander that nicely articulates what real adults can do, together, not just to discover but to create a community based as much on friendship as on mutual sexual interest.

I have to say though, that for all the punching, scratching, caning and general tingling of naughty bits, the part I liked best about the weekend was how much trust and love and fun there was. Its serious fun, without taking itself too seriously. There is always a ton of laughter and affection and ALWAYS seriously good food. Our little gang is awesome. Awww…..

Gander and I talked for a long time last night about the act of physical affection in today’s culture. I mean, anyone can fuck and run, but how often do you get to cuddle, hold hands, stroke skin, touch hair, be in breath range with someone other than your child/pet/significant other.

Touch is radical, or it can be. I think that is what feels the most subversive to me and the most pleasing, about our group parties and hang outs: that I can touch and be touched by many and in many ways. It feels rather healing actually.

Plus, I like seeing people naked.

She says this and more here.

Finally, what I really appreciate about Goose’s, and Gander’s, posts is not only the acknowledgment of “strings attached” sex (as if there could be any other kind) but the real benefit stringiness brings to our relationships. The furtive, “no-strings” touch humans too often seek, too often behind their partner’s backs? Not so much. This isn’t to knock casual encounters for those who choose them, not at all, at all. Just a point that they’re not as fulfilling when you’re starving for fulfillment!

Which brings me back to Goose and Gander’s original plight. The standard model would have been for each to slip behind each other’s backs, perhaps through one of the extramarital personals sites that seemed to be in the newspapers earlier this month, and try to “get it while they can,” for as long as they could, until one or the other slipped, and then deal with all the repercussions — trading a smaller set of problems for perhaps several much larger ones. I think it’s pretty cool that they’ve chosen to work together instead of separately.