Ok gang, this is really, really important. Rev. Debra Haffner of Sexuality and Religion, who’s been instrumental in the development and promotion of the excellent Unitarian-Universalist sex-ed curriculum, says the perpetual wildfire stories about rampant sex by pre-teens verge on fantasy. Sex fantasies. Sex fantasies of adults. More specifically, fevered fantasies of very young girls tossing around unreciprocated blowjobs to cluelessly privileged young boys are similarly problematic. Here’s Deb. I want to really emphasize the last sentence in my excerpt because it’s got very large, very real consequences for young people. (Emphais mine)

I’ve long argued in my books… that oral sex in the middle school is largely NOT happening. I’ve said that I can remember the name of the girl in the eighth grade who was offering oral sex, and that perhaps today there might be a few more, but my sense from working with teens around the country is that most middle schoolers are still worrying about kissing and that oral sex scandals in middle schools is largely a media myth.

There’s new national probability data from Indiana University that backs that up. The new IU study finds that only 13% of 14 and 15 year old boys had received oral sex, matching pretty closely the 12% of girls those ages who say they offer it. One in ten girls that age say that they have received oral sex, also challenging the myth that girls are always the ones performing, boys receiving.

The numbers jump once teens are juniors and seniors in high school, but still only a minority of teens ages 16 and 17 have had oral sex ever. One third of the boys and 23% of the girls had received oral sex; one quarter of the girls and 20% of the boys had offered it. Few had had same sex partners. Teenagers are just not as sexually experienced as most adults believe.

Source: Sexuality and Religion

On a personal note, since my children happen to be middle-school age and since I happen to be pretty deeply involved in school activities as a parent volunteer Haffner’s observations resonate pretty strongly. Are there sexual and sexualized antics? Yes. Are there very many? No. Are those antics met with more alarm or annoyance than admiration by their peers? Yes. Is it widespread? Bwahahaha… no, definitely not. Final question: is my school representative of all middle schools everywhere? No, not particularly, but in terms of both parent and student demographics and mores it is highly indicative. But I digress…

The next bit is going to sound like another digression. It’s not. There’s a wry joke in auto mechanic circles that there are two things every Volvo owner knows: first, that Volvos never have mechanical problems; second, that “mine’s the only exception.” Well, turns out there’s a similar meme that affects young people. For instance it’s pretty well known that about half of college students are still virgins in their sophomore year. But it’s also well known that if you ask college students what the percentage is they too know two things: first, that every college-age student has had sex; second, that “I’m the only exception.”

So here’s a fun question. At what age do most kids begin thinking “most people my age are already having sex?” Or at least “...are already giving and/or getting oral sex?” My guess is it begins as early as middle school.

Next question: Where do most kids who get that message? My guess would be that only a very small percentage are getting them from direct evidence from sexually precocious peers. Most, however, are getting them from second- or third-hand rumors, inferences, or false braggadocio. (As Haffner points out elsewhere in her post, this is no different than my or her own experiences in pre “sexual revolution” middle school.)

Last question: What impact do you think it has on children when adults go promoting absolutely wild projections narratives about child sexual behavior? Again, based on my own first-, second-, and third-hand experience both as a middle-schooler and now as a parent, is that such narratives reinforce a climate of peer pressure that leaves kids… and indeed people of all ages including adults… with a sense that if they’re not doing what, realistically, they really don’t yet feel ready for they’re “falling behind” or otherwise being “left out.” And gee, hmm, I wonder what impact feeling left out or falling behind has on people between the ages of, say, eleven and twenty one?

Word to the wise, m’kay? There’s probably no way, really, none, that we can stop asshole adults from spreading bullshit rumors about what they “know” school kids are doing these days. Asking a correspondent at a local news affiliate to refrain is about as unrealistic as trying to get dogs not to sniff each other’s butts. But there is something you can do: if you’ve got children in or approaching middle school age sit them down, tell them about the stories, and tell them that no matter what they hear it’s just not true. Let them know that a) you know they’ve probably already heard about it and that b) they probably already know it based on their own experience that it’s just not true. Extra credit: say the same thing to your high-school students. Say the same thing to your college-age friends, family, peers, and offspring. And, not to put too fine a point on it, say it to your 34-year-old “pickup artist” associates who grouse that they’ve “only” had an exact average number of partners instead of the mazillions of partners they think “everyone else” is having. Beyond-the-call-of-duty Credit: pass word along to any breathless news broadcasters, parenting magazine journalists, and rumor-mill passing Facebook buddies you might know as well.

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One last point: I just want to point out Haffner’s statistics that, contrary to highly-gendered narratives, at all ages when boys and girls begin offering each other oral sex they almost all offering each other oral sex. It’s not just girls giving blowjobs. It’s not just boys receiving. I’d also point out that her statistics are consistent with similar studies going back at least a decade (the earliest such I know of) and they’re also consistent with my own early experiences and those of most of my peers.

I think this is another instance where the reality (it’s pretty bilateral) goes against the message adults propagate (only gender “dominated” girls and maybe gay boys give, only gender “privileged” boys receive.)

As adults we’ve got a great deal of influence over the expectations that are set and delivered to young people. The first trick is not to fall victim to our own breathless myths and rumors.

Yet another complete but unposted draft.

You can find out all about the deeply anti-feminist National Organization for Marriage’s “Ruth Institute” project from DailyKos’s Dante Atkins starting here and continuing here. The short version is that the Ruth Institute’s founder, Dr. Jennifer Roback Morse disagrees with Atkins’ evidence that the intent is not just to encourage women (that would be white American women) to make a choice to stay home, be supported by men (that would be white American men), and have babies (those would be white American babies) in order to stave off the brown menace but to force them to do so through social, political, religious, and legal legislation.

Morse evidently apoplectically disagrees with Atkins’ assertions… not so much by refuting the considerable evidence Atkins presented but instead by claiming that’s what some women want.

You can follow the links above to assess the evidence yourself, and assess for yourself some of the excellent points Atkins raises that I really agree with and think you might too, but I want to talk about one particular point about willingness vs. coercion that really gets to the heart of the question of choice.

[I]n Dr. Morse’s opinion, it’s not sexist of her to advocate that women’s economic and social advances be rolled back. Why? Because many women actively want take on what one could call a traditional domestic role. That is definitely true: many women do actively seek that role, just as there are many men who actively desire the corresponding role of economic provider. What Dr. Morse seems to want, by contrast, is to force all women to reject the technological, medical and social advances that guaranteed their freedom to choose something else.

Read the quote in context here.

There are certain points in adolescence, during the formation of adult identity, where it really can feel like a threat to one’s own validity when other people make choices different from your own.

On the other hand in adulthood healthy individuals have completed the work of finding their identities with the result that they may be annoyed by, or attracted to, or otherwise influenced by other people’s choices but they no longer feel threatened by them. Indeed I’d argue that this is the definition of adulthood — the thing that distinguishes full-sized post-pubescent humans from full-sized mature humans. (It also, incidentally, distinguishes when I think people ought to wait till they — and even more importantly their partners! — begin having, well, real adult sex.)

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Also, not to put too fine a point on it but how, exactly, is Roback Morse’s assertion that society should be bent to satisfy her 24/7 M/f master/slave sex fetish than for it to be bent in favor of, say, NAMBLA’s fetish for pedophilia? I mean, it wasn’t all that long ago that sexual subjugation of boys was as institutionally acceptable as subjugation of women. Why privilege either?

Karen Rayne of Adolescent Sexuality, who teaches both sex education to early adolescents and sex-ed instruction to education majors has an interesting take on summer/vacation flings for teenagers.

Vacation flings can range from more emotional connection and no physical connection to an exclusively sexual experience.  They can last a weekend, or a week, or several weeks.  Some of them are remembered and some are forgotten.

But what’s the point of these little affairs?  Are they essentially good or harmful for teenagers?  Should parents encourage them or discourage them?

As I have mentioned before, teenagers are in a place where they are discovering who they are, who they want to be, and how much choice they really have in the matter.  To go through this process, most teenagers need to experience themselves in a variety of situations and acting in a variety of ways.  It’s a healthy thing for them to date around and learn what kind of a partner they want to have.

Vacations often offer a safe place to experiment.  The relationship is generally, by circumstance, limited in length. If the match is not a beneficial one, the parents (and the teenager) can take solace in it ending shortly. The teenager can experience a different side, a different personality, a different kind of relationship, with a firm expiration date attached. If the teenager likes this new sense of self, it can be brought back home, but if the teenager does not like the new sense of self, it can be discarded and left behind. Very convenient, no?

She said it here.

As my blog name suggests I’m not enthusiastic about sex and young people. That doesn’t mean I don’t think they shouldn’t be sexual. I hope it’s obvious that I support sex education (I believe age-appropriate sex education should begin very early.) It’s just that since adulthood actually lasts a really long time, and that a healthy, non-pressured, non-sexualized adolescence lays a great foundation for… well… real adult sex I don’t think one “misses out” by waiting till you’re already a adult instead of imagining it’s sex that actually makes you a man or woman.

Where I part company with the abstinence/chastity crowd, of course, is that don’t see adolescence as a rearguard attempt to hold off on relationship formation till one finds their “one true love.” So I agree wholeheartedly with Rayne that casual or transitory relationships are important precursors to serious and long-term ones.

See also: Debby at My Sexy Professor has a post about How to Make Casual Flings Work. The four main headings: know thyself, come prepared, safety first, and have realistic expectations nicely illustrates the difference between adolescent and adult relationships and further illustrates how learn to crawl before you walk and learn to walk before you run extends to learn to navigate relationships before you have sex.

It takes time to “know thyself.” “Come prepared” tends to assume you already know what to prepare for. “Safety first” sounds self-evident, and to be honest in our hyper-vigilant culture of parenting it’s the rare child who hasn’t been stuffed brim-full with it from birth. But the transition to “independently assessing potential partners and opportunities” is a pretty big step up from “don’t put your fingers in the fan.”

Which takes me to Debby’s last point about having realistic expectations: Good expectations need to include the point that at least half of all college freshmen are still virgins! Even though something like 85% of freshmen believe only 15% are… and that, naturally, they’re part of that 15%... and that, naturally, that makes them losers. Which evidently, even in college, in turn makes it harder for them to get a serious grip on know thyself, come prepared, and safety first.

Which in turn goes back to the message Karen Rayne, and Deb Haffner, and Heather Corinna and countless other professional sex educators come back to again and again: the point of real, comprehensive sex education isn’t just to get us ready for sex (a big concern of “traditional values” types that Rayne beautifully refutes here) but to help us get ready to get ready to have sex as well.

Ann Bartow of Feminist Law Professors hits the nail on the head

The news in recent weeks has reported a spate of child-porn prosecutions against teens accused of “sexting“—sending nude or semi-nude pictures of themselves to friends and classmates—typically using their cell phones. According to a study by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, nearly as many boys as girls have sent or posted nude or semi-nude pictures or video self-portraits (18% vs. 22%). Yet, it seems that almost all of the prosecutions one hears about involve pictures of girls. Boys are sometimes prosecuted for possessing or “distribution,” but of those who photograph themselves, it is the girls that are the primary targets of legal action, press reports and public attention.

She said it here.

Sort of speaks for itself, eh? The Two Rules of Desire say that men or boys can send photos because they’re horny — typical noxious activity perhaps but no harm. But if girls do it? Whoa, that’s broken! They must be in thrall. They don’t know better. They’re going to turn into sluts. They’re victimizing themselves!!!! They might tear their hymens and then nobody will want to marry them!!!!” Better lock ‘em up… before they further harm themselves!

I’m not sure which is worse — throwing the book at girls or completely neglecting boys.

Fortunately we don’t need to decide: hysterical overreaction and blind indifference are both really shitty things to do when children are forming their sexual identities.

It’s not about hypocrisy, although there’s bound to be some of that. (Freud would surely have a field day if anyone wanted to dig him up.) But that’s not my beef: being completely in denial about emergent sexuality, hinging all discussion of emergent sexuality on girls’ virginity, failing to have adequate models of emergent female and male sexuality, and consequently failing to prepare to help children cope when their sexuality emerges is a problem because it will serve them ill in adulthood. Which lasts 50-80 years compared to the handful of years of actual sexual emergence.

Prosecuting girls, and disregarding boys, for expressing sexuality isn’t just stupid or wrong, it’s evidence of child neglect at a societal level. Heck, just getting hysterical about it in the first place is a problem, instead of, oh, say, anticipating that it might happen and, you know, having a plan and maybe even comprehensive curriculum developed to deal with it.

Update: Just to be clear: the answer to which is better, prosecution or ignoring it the answer is neither. It’s possible (and, I think, necessary) to react appropriately and child-developmentally without overreacting.