Summary: Carrie Prejean disgraced herself by publicly opposing same-sex marriage, not for either having a sex life or camera-phoning herself. Sungold proposes an unusual but sensible way she could at least partly redeem herself. Further down, reflections by Sungold, Blue Gal, and Melissa McEwan on the way Prejean’s partner only disgraced himself.

Sungold of Kittywampus says, in all earnestness, that it would be an all-round good thing if conservative-Christian Carrie Prejean just let go of the “scandal” about the private masturbation videos she emailed her erstwhile fiance and let everyone who’s “scandalized” about it fall on their keisters.

After mentioning the disgraceful dismissal of Clinton-era Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders for recommending that we teach young people that masturbation is a safe and effective alternative to partnered sex, Sungold says

Maybe it’s time for us to catch up with history. Here’s where Prejean could play a pivotal role. She could go on Larry King and say, “I’m not here to talk about that tape, which my asshole ex had no right to release. But I will say this: What I did on that tape was perfectly normal. Self-pleasure is perfectly compatible with my Christian beliefs. It’s a great way to get to know your body before you’re ready for partnered sex. It’s a wonderful way to extend your pleasure with a partner. If you’re waiting for marriage to have intercourse, masturbation can help you wait, and you’ll be a better lover when you do say yes.”

I’m still not snarking. If we could just get all those “good Christians” to admit they do it, all of us might be able to have open conversations about it without anyone getting fired or censored.

Read the quote in context here.

Incidentally I’m not snarking either. I’m aware that Prejean might decline to do so, but I’m… pretty sure she’s got the really, seriously, no twits-vs-substance credentials to do so. It would be doing the world a favor and, very likely, do more to promote alternatives to intercourse and other forms of partnered sex than any number of conventional abstinence messaging.

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On a side note I’d add that the less-than-forthright way Prejean has dealt with the revelations seem to have been more damaging to her reputation than the existence of the tapes themselves. They were, after all, perfectly ordinary communications with a partner she was committed to and trusted… which means pretty much the only thing the partner “revealed” was that not only should no future partner trust his honesty, integrity, or discretion but neither should any future employer or client. Further down in her post Sungold nicely addresses the issue of the former partner by the way.

Update: Although see also Blue Gal’s The Donald advises Carrie to become “major porn star”? I’m not going to say the fact that Trump’s recommendation is diametrically opposite Sungold’s is itself a demonstration that she’s on the right track. But…

Update: And also see Melissa’s awesome dissection of Prejean and twits vs. substance at Shakesville.

Back in October Erotic blogger Remittance Girl brought up some interesting points about sex-positive/feminist critiques of erotica

Nobilis pointed me in the direction of Figleaf’s “The No-Sex Class: Men, Women, and Gangbangs in Porn” which led me to “Once more into the breech” by Amanda over at Pendragon.net, which led me to “On Porn, Sex And Pincushions” over at Echinde of the Snakes.

Although each of them stray in their topics a little, all of them are worth reading, as they all deal with the subject of porn tropes, and how those play out in the reality of society, sex education and the bedroom.

These are all very sex positive people who have, in their turns, problems with certain depictions of sex in porn. I’ve dealt with this subject a little myself in a couple of posts on non-consensual sex in erotica and the semiotics of semen.

I think I must agree with Amanda and Echinde that because of a woeful lack of sex-positive sex education, a lot of young men and women are learning about sex from the porn industry and – I’m sorry if this makes people angry – but they are not responsible sex educators. That’s not their job and, with some notable exceptions, like the Tony Comstock films, education is not much of a byproduct of porn.

Neither is written erotica an educational tool. The assumption is made, and rightly so, I think, that once you are reading erotica or watching porn, you already know a decent amount about sex. Certainly I do not put myself forward as a sex educator. However, a lot of these articles demand, subtextually, that porn SHOULD act as an educator by virtue of its reach into the groins of millions of boys and girls out there. The truth about porn and erotica is that they are seldom vehicles for changes in thinking. They are much more likely to be sexually framed reflections of the society in which they are made or written.

There’s more. Read it here.

I think most feminists (and certainly Amanda, Echidne, and me) think that rather than saying porn and/or erotica providing accurate education sex educators should provide sex education. Because, seriously, we don’t have to worry about the Road Runner cartoon’s depictions of gravity. Thanks to education and considerable experience our expectations in reality aren’t influenced by what happens to the coyote. If we could assume the same experience and education it would be the same for sex.

I think she put it extremely well: to the extent porn has a pernicious influence it’s because viewers have no other sources of education and, frankly, relatively limited opportunities for experience.

As for the notion of getting off on dominance or submission she makes another really excellent point: a lot of this stuff really does have a half life. And to build just a bit on her point, if women grow up in a culture that assumes the avenue to authorized sex is submission and self-effacement so deeply that marriage erases your own family name then yeah, it’s not going to be too surprising that submission as release is going to work itself into fantasy.

But in this case I’m pretty sure most feminists (Amanda, me, I’m not positive about Echidne) would say that whatever turns you on in bed is fine as long as you don’t confuse it with the rest of your life or, worse, try to enact your personal turnons into law. For instance a fantasy about Grand Inquisitors could be hot. A reintroduction of the actual Spanish Inquisition would… not.

In other words it’s not so much the responsibility of sexual fantasy-facilitators such as porn and erotica to educate. But it is the case that without somebody doing education porn is going to wind up teaching a lot of people that, oh, say, positions that maximize camera angles are preferable to positions that maximize sexual stimulation.

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For a different perspective see also Katherine Chen, guest posting at Em & Lo about what she learned from porn that she didn’t learn in sex ed. For instance

• “My mom always classified every single sexually active female as either a prostitute or a “dumb animal” who had nothing better to do with her time. I would have probably agreed with her, if it weren’t for Asia Carrera”
• “...the fact that the porn star Belladonna had semi-retired in 2007 because she was concerned about contracting STDs like herpes had a much bigger impact on me than my sex ed teacher insisting I memorize the side effects of every genital infection out there”
• “...even I realize that the scenarios of porn films are unrealistic — they’re fantasies that most viewers understand can’t be replicated in real life. Even if you “set up” a scene with your partner, it’s just not going to be the same.”

• “...whenever I finally do get around to having sex myself, I’m pretty confident that, like the best porn, I’ll have some good moves, I’ll use a condom, I won’t be self-conscious, and — most importantly — I’ll have fun.”

This is the second of two posts by Chen, the first being about how poorly served she was by her first, badly managed encounter with sex education.

Shayne Austen of No, Not You

Kat reposted a nice piece about true rape prevention, which reminded me of this little list I whipped up a few months ago. As I just did a college RA training yesterday, re-reading this made me laugh. I mean seriously, the “tips” they give potential victims are so condescending. It’s fun to turn the tables.

Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed to Work!

1. Don’t put drugs in people’s drinks in order to control their behavior.
2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!
3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!
4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited.
5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON’T ASSAULT THEM!
6. Remember, people go to laundry to do their laundry, do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.
7. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public.
8. Always be honest with people! Don’t pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them.
9. Don’t forget: you can’t have sex with someone unless they are awake!

1. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone “on accident” you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.

And, ALWAYS REMEMBER: if you didn’t ask permission and then respect the answer the first time, you are commiting a crime- no matter how “into it” others appear to be.

Must credit Shayne Austin

See, this actually really is the talk RAs and other orientation types need to be giving incoming freshmen men! Because it’s all well and good (really, it’s well and good) to do rape awareness work with women and any other likely victims. And it’s really great (really, it’s great) to just tell men stuff like “don’t rape anybody.” And maybe it shouldn’t have to be necessary to specify exactly how not to rape other people (it really shouldn’t have to be.)

But here’s the deal: putting it into conversation, even a semi-sorta-light-hearted/snarky way like that, really does put rape prevention on its source and not on its victims. Even better, it really, clearly turns specific concepts into specific social expectations. And while this may also sound dumb (it’s not, but it might sound that way) since Shayne’s list is derived from a list of the highest-priority avoidance techniques it sort of by-definition sets expectations against the most-likely types of offenses. Or at least puts into context for men the highest priority risks for women.

My point is that telling young men things like “carry a whistle if you’re afraid you might assault someone…” is funny and snarky but it also asks the question is there a chance you might assault someone? The good news is the answer’s pretty much mostly going to be no, since at least 80% of men never assault anyone. But pinning the meme-ish absurdity of something like “hand her a whistle” adds a handle from which the question “am I coming on too strong” can percolate into the inner dialogue. Same with many of the other tips.

The other thing I like about the list, by the way, is that unlike a lot of bitter MRA/teabagger lists, and a lot of equally bitter (but much more justified) prevention-activist’s lists, Shayne’s list is light enough to get the points across without alienating the male listener. And that’s a pretty important point too since it’s amazing how little people learn when they feel accused (justly or unjustly.)

Anyway, I know it’s meant to be funny but I think it, or something like it, really ought to make it into orientation talks, sex education curricula and other rape-prevention materials.

(Via tweet from ColorlessBlue.)

In comments to my sports/virginity question where I questioned why, for instance, losing one’s virginity was supposed to destroy your life but blowing your knee out in high-school sports isn’t; why getting an STI (even a bad one like HIV) is supposed to ruin your life but picking up hepatitis while trekking in Nepal isn’t, MinorityReport (who blogs at, well, Minority Report) said

Great point. I wish that would have been the gist of my high school sex-ed classes.

An example: The school hired chastity speaker, Molly Kelly. I forget most of her talk. However, I do remember one very clear image she used. Throughout her speech Molly repeatedly dropped an apple. At the end of her presentation she held up the apple she had dropped and an apple that had been set aside. She then asked which we would rather eat, the apple that had been dropped on the floor (repeatedly) or the apple that had been set aside. It drove her point home, and for me at least it made an impact.

I would have been nice to hear something like, “But if you do _______, it’s not the end and life goes on.”

She said it here.

Oohhh, I had this realization after reading her Molly Kelly story and now I’m kind of beside-myself irritated.

You know all those abstinence-only metaphors of apples, roses, even gum and tape? Every one of them is a single-use consumable good. Bouncing an apple into apple sause just takes the cake though. The difference between apples and, oh, say, your body is even if you managed to get bruised during sex you’d still recover quickly. And most of the time, for most women and men, you’re not bruised during sex to begin with.

Apples, gum, roses, tape, suckers, etc., don’t recover at all but they’re fucking things, not people!

You want a better, but still-inanimate metaphor for a man or woman who’s had sex? Try a rubber ball. In fact try a superball since those seem to bounce with more energy than they begin with. How about a book? Try a deep pool that a pebble has been tossed in. A painting, an alarm clock, a window, a fireplace, a chicken and an egg (which came first?), a ski hill, a piano or flute.

And to be perfectly honest I don’t care for any of those because humans aren’t inanimate nor are we, women or men, either literally or figuratively consumed in the course of, well, intercourse.

A dropped apple is simply marvelous for propaganda in the service of patriarchy but evilly inaccurate for sex education.