social assumptions

See Also Penelope Trunk on Miscarriage, Abortion and Work

And, now that I’ve stumbled across her blog, it turns out that Penelope Trunk of Brazen Careerist is one of the few people I’ve ever met who talk about miscarriage as the (on average) everyday event it is.

Most miscarriages happen at work. Twenty-five percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Seventy-five percent of women who are of child-bearing age are working. Most miscarriages run their course over weeks. Even if you are someone who wanted the baby and are devastated by the loss, you’re not going to sit in bed for weeks. You are going to pick up your life and get back to it, which includes going back to work.

This means that there are thousands of miscarriages in progress, at work, on any given day. That we don’t acknowledge this is absurd. That it is such a common occurrence and no one thinks it’s okay to talk about is terrible for women.

Read the quote in context here.

It’s actually terrible for everybody.

It’s terrible for conversations about choice. Failing to discuss miscarriage, which is approximately as common as abortion, leaves the field of debate open and uncluttered for those who would proclaim themselves “pro-life.”

It’s terrible for couples who lose very-much planned and wanted pregnancies who, in the absence of virtually all conversation about it in advance, imagine their experience is commonplace rather than rare, and who consequently may blame themselves or each other rather than fate and odds.

It’s terrible for men because such silences increase the “mystery” and thus the alienation from their peers, colleagues, and fellow citizens.

And yeah, definitely, terrible for women for the way it helps perpetuate all the other silences that keep us from public understanding of everything that it is to be a human being.


Tags:

Puncturing Presumptions about Parenting and the Pursuit of Happiness

Breathtakingly apt and highly-fed-up non-mommy-blogger rant from Penelope Trunk of Brazen Careerist directed at individuals who imagine that stay-at-home parenting must be the most fulfillingest thing ever.

[A]ll you people who say you’d love to stay home all day with your kids if you could, you are completely full of shit.

I know because I was living at the poverty line in NYC while I stayed home with my kids. That’s how important it was to me to stay home. I wanted to be with them for every moment, be a great mom, all that. So I did it no matter what – no financial situation could have stopped me.

...

For all you guys who Twittered back to me that I’m a bad mom and that I should love being home with my kids, here’s a link for you: CEOs who are on Twitter. Because let me tell you something: None of these people needs to earn the money they are earning. They have enough money. They can stay home with their kids. But instead, they are at work.

She said it here.

Lemme tell ya something. Being a stay at home parent actually really is rewarding, cool, and fun. And also really, really stultifyingly, oppressively, mind-numbingly fucking boring.

Not one.

Not the other.

Both.

And yeah, if you wanted to do it?

You would.

But you’d have to want to do it enough.

But like most people with a choice if you haven’t you probably wouldn’t.

Trunk puts the issue very bluntly

How about approaching all those guys with Blackberries at soccer games? Let me ask you something. Do those guys check their email when they’re getting a blow job? Of course not. Do you know why? Because it’s INTERESTING. They are checking their blackberries during soccer because soccer is boring. The kids can’t figure out where the goal is. The kids (and their parents) lose interest. They want snacks more than they want to learn soccer. They are cute, yes. But even cute gets boring.

Now multiply preschool soccer by 23 hours a day, 6.5 days a week, 312 days a year, for four to sixteen years. That’s your window for boredom. The rest of the time is adorable, heartwarming, and totally fulfilling, sure. And on balance a lot of people find that worth it…

But in the grand scheme of things, people, it’s not a lot of time. Which, again, is why most people who say how much they’d love to do it but have a choice? Don’t.

I probably wouldn’t have become a blogger if I hadn’t been a stay-at-home dad. Because blogging you can do in 15 minute increments. Between loads of laundry. Between cranks of the “neglect-o-matic.” While the oven pre-heats or the Annie’s mac-n-cheese noodles simmer. While they’re playing with the most fascinating thing in the house you can safely let them play with — the tupperware containers in the kitchen drawer. While they trash their room playing dress-up with their playdate. (If you ever want to know why there seem to be so many “mommy” bloggers that should be your first clue. If you ever wonder why they seem so starved for contact that should be your second clue. That they so often have such narrow focuses should be your third. And in retrospect, that the majority sex is a primarily domestic activity, even though that doesn’t fit our romantic and/or socioeconomic notions of it, might be one clue about the narrow focus of my blog.)

But here’s where Trunk nails that one too — however boring, or bored, or distracted you think you can get the consequences for actually letting something slip can be anything from embarrassing to dire

as soon as your mind wanders too far, something bad happens. For example, I took the kids on a hike yesterday, taking a coat for myself but not for them. Because I checked out. Because I wanted to think about things that are more interesting than coats. This is normal behavior.

If you have a battery-operated Swingomatic instead of the kind you have to rewind every 15 minutes you really will neglect them for too long. If you “close your eyes for just a moment” you’ll find yourself wakened (in a panic) by the sound of little fingers working with awesome determination to figure out the babyproof/earthquake latch on the cleaning-supply cupboard door under the sink.

(Oh yeah, and while we’re on the subject of stay-at-homing it if every now and then you say what the heck and toss a couple of broccoli or carrot ends into the disposal your otherwise perfectly lovely partner or spouse, fresh home from an invigorating day at work and a commute full of NPR updates will happen to be passing through will brightly admonish you “please, hon, that goes in the compost bucket.” As if you weren’t the one who not only daily filled the compost bucket but regularly emptied into the yard-waste container, and took that out to the curb every Tuesday night for collection. But I digress…)

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve loved being a stay-at-home dad, and still do. But I guarantee I haven’t loved every minute. And anyone who, like the twittering twit who prompted Trunk’s tirade, thinks you should, or thinks they would, or (worse!!!) should you complain says “sorry your kids are a burden, send them to OH, we’ll enjoy them for who they are” — where by “we” Trunk deduces they evidently mean “my wife” — is indeed an asshole.

Which is all a long, involved way of explaining my basis for so appreciating Trunk’s awe-inspiring flame.

—-

One quibble: I happen to think Trunk slightly misses the mark when she hauls out the studies showing that having children don’t make people happy — Jefferson seems to have been right that happiness is best found in pursuit rather than an objective in its own right.

A burden voluntarily shouldered is not as heavy as one imposed. Having chosen to shoulder it imposes constraints as real as a poison-hotline call or “together night” interrupted by night terrors (“night terribles” as my daughter called it.) And once chosen those burdens become background against which small moments shine. Sometimes brilliantly and unforgettably.

It is another thing entirely, though, when the burden is chosen for you rather than chosen by you — to have them allocated as your lot, or fate, or “natural instinct,” or “natural place,” or even “God says.” And when those who have themselves neither faced the imposition nor made the choice, and thus have no clue, say what they think you should enjoy? Well you can probably see how that would tend to make one seem… humorless. Angry, even. And inclined to lob flaming posts.

(Via Amber Rhea’s Tumblr feed.)


Tags:

Matt Yglesias Dials Neo-Con Warlord John Bolton's Attempts at Evolutionary Psychology Back to Zero

Via Matthew Yglesias we learn that former Bush minion and permanent-war proponent John Bolton is also a follower of pull-it-out-of-your-ass evolutionary psychology. Quoth Bolton

You know, homo sapiens are hard-wired for violent conflict, and we’re not going to eliminate violent conflict until homo sapiens ceases to exist as a separate species. And the whole notion you could even think about eliminating it not just in our lifetime but soon thereafter I think reveals a fundamental misunderstanding of human nature.

Yglesias’s reply refutes not only Bolton but the core assumption of every evolutionary psychologist who’s ever flunked a biology, statistics, history, psychology, or logic course.

For comparison’s sake, note that homo sapiens are hard-wired to use stone spears to hunt and kill grazing animals for food. And yet, hunting grazing animals has become a pretty marginal phenomenon in human existence. Doing it as a primary means of subsistence, as opposed to a hobby, has become even more marginal. Doing it with stone tools is even more marginal, though it does of course still happen.

Read the quotes in context here.

Nicely put. If in just a generation or two we can transcend something that was so immediately, directly, and incontestably essential to human survival as the use of stone tools… something that dates back at least 1.5 million years no less… then we can probably also transcend impulses as marginally adaptive as 3-5% biases towards hip-waist ratios in mate selection. Assuming those ratios were ever selected to begin with.


Tags:

BDSM vs. Corporal Punishment: Challenging a Stereotype

The other day Ezra Klein mentioned that

In states with lower percentages of people that endorse spanking and washing kids’ mouths out with soap, which is the case in New England and much of the Middle Atlantic, Obama did very well. In states with higher percentages, like Wyoming, Idaho, and Alabama, McCain won big.

Read the quote in context here.

So… a lot of people out there seem dead certain that all BDSM is an attempt to paper over domestic violence. I guess one way to clarify that would be an inquiry into how many BDSM adherents spank or beat their children.

I know only a very small subset of everyone who’s overtly into BDSM but I’d say by and large they’re less likely to use corporal punishment on their children. Some way less.

It could just be that most of the people I know aren’t interested in spanking their children anyway. But I’ve still got a hunch that on average people in BDSM are less likely to spank their children than, say, the average “vanilla” voter in Wyoming, Idaho, or Alabama. I mean, if you’re aware it turns you on to spank a partner how likely are you to spank your child? Same if instead being spanked turns you on? Meanwhile, if you either have no earthly clue or, worse, you’re unwilling to admit it to yourself…

Like I say, it’s an only anecdotally substantiated hunch. That’s not the same as saying I have no idea at all. But if you’ve got something more solid to either confirm or refute I’d love to hear about it.


Tags:

Bertold Brecht on the Persistence of (No-true-Scotsman style) Stereotypes

A dramatic reading from Galileo, a play by Bertolt Brecht, English version by Charles Laughton. It’s the last scene in the play and not always performed. I don’t know how many people are familiar with the play (lots?) but it very strongly influenced, and now nicely illustrates, my understanding of stereotype and its impact on perception.

Scene 14

Before a little italian customs house early in the morning ANDReA sits upon one of his traveling trunks at the barrier and read Galileo’s book. The window of a small house is still lit, and a big grotesque shadow, like an old witch andher cauldron, falls upon the house wall beyond. Barefoot CHILDREN in rags see it and point to the little house.

CHILDREN (singing):
One, two three four, five, six,
Old Marina is a witch,
At night, on a broomstick she sits
And on the church steeple she spits.

CUSTOMS OFFICER (to ANDREA) [etc…]

Meanwhile a little council of war among the CHILDREN has taken place. ANDREA quietly watches. one of the BOYS pushes forward by the others, creeps up to the little house from which the shadow comes, and takes the jug of milk on the doorstep.

ANDREA (quickly): Whatever are you doing with that milk?
BOY (stopping in mid-movement): She is a witch.

The other CHILDREN run away behind the customs house. One of them shouts “Run, Paolo!”

ANDREA: Hmm! And because she is a witch she mustn’t have milk. Is that the idea?

BOY: Yes.

ANDREA: And how do you know she is a witch?

BOY (points to shadow on house wall): Look!

ANDREA: Oh! I see.

BOY: And she rids on a broomstick at night — and she bewitches the coachman’s horses. My cousin Luigi looked through the hole in the stable roof, that the snowstorm made, and heard the horses coughing something terrible.

ANDREA: Oh! How big was the hole in the stable roof?

BOY: Luigi didn’t tell. Why?

ANDREA: I was asking because maybe the horses got sick because it was cold in the stable. You had better ask Luigi how big that hole is.

BOY: You are not going to say Old Marina isn’t a witch because you can’t.

ANDREA: No, I can’t say she isn’t a witch. A man can’t know about a think he hasn’t looked into, or can he?

BOY: No! But THAT! (He points to the shadow.) She is stirring hellbroth.

ANDREA: Let’s see. Do you want to take a look? i can lift you up.

BOY: you lift me to the window, Mister! (He takes a slingshot out of his pocket.) I can really bash her from there.

ANDREA: Hadn’t we better make sure she is a witch before we shoot? I’ll hold that.

The BOY puts the milk jug down and follows him reluctantly to the window. ANDREA lifts the boy up so that he can look in.

ANDREA: What do you see?

BOY (slowly): Just an old girl cooking porridge.

ANDREA: Oh! Nothing to it then. Now look at her shadow, Paolo.

The BOY looks over his shoulder and back and compares the reality and the shadow.

BOY: The big thing is a soup ladle.

ANDREA: Ah! A ladle! You see, I would have taken it for a broomstick, but I haven’t looked into the matter as you have, Paolo. Here is your sling.

CUSTOMS OFFICER (returning with the CLERK and handing ANDREA his papers): All present and correct. Good luck, sir.

ANDREA goes, reading Galileo’s book. The CLERK starts to bring his baggage after him. The barrier rises. ANDREA passes through, still reading the book. The BOY kics over the milk jug.

BOY (shouting after ANDREA): She is a witch! She is a witch!

ANDREA: You saw with your own eyes: think it over!

The BOY joins the others. They sing:

One, two, three, four, five, six,
Old Marina is a witch.
At night, on a broomstick she sits
And on the church steeple she sits.

The CUSTOMS OFFICERS laugh. ANDREA goes.

Source: Galileo; Copyright 1966 by Eric Bentley, Grove Press ISBN: 0-8021-4050-5; pages 126-129

The Paolo effect is what I had in the back of my mind for yesterdays post, “Jill Filipovic’s Answer to the “No True Scotsfeminist” Fallacy.”

It’s not that the stereotypes are insurmountable — they’re not or else Adrea would have succumbed to the witchcraft over 500 years ago as would we today. But they’re often persistent even in the face of direct counter-evidence.


Tags:

More Dumb... Er... Contradictiory Memes in Evolutionary Psychology

Assertion A: Women’s bodies have evolved in order to conceal their ovulation and their time of maximum fertility.
Assertion B: Just from listening to their voices, or smelling them, let alone looking at them or getting a lap dance(!) men can tell when women are ovulating and, thus, at their time of maximum fertility.

Well, which is it then?

I mean, seriously, unless they’re claiming so-called “cryptic” ovulation only evolved in the last 40,000 years (the best estimate of when modern humans first began wearing clothes) then it must have evolved when people ran around mostly naked. And un-made up. In which case it wouldn’t have been terribly difficult for men to tell when women are most fertile. (Update: Nevermind about the clothes. [E]ven total strangers could detect a difference in women’s grooming habits when they approached ovulation can tell what women wear!”)

Assuming, of course, that women weren’t telling them. Y’know, with the “mysterious, feminine” vocalizations that (sociobiologists believe) sound exactly like talking when men do it.

Oh right, silly me (coughTwo Rules of Desirecough) women would never want to communicate any sexual interest in men. Oh, and I love this, even if they were communicating arousal it they wouldn’t know they themselves don’t notice...

Which would all be well and good in the uuber-misogynistic, privileged genetic order EPs are so fond of except…

How, exactly, is ovulation that’s fairly readily evident to men but not to the woman herself supposed to “deceive” men into sticking around and “providing” for her even when she’s not ovulating?

Hey though, maybe it’s all so complicated to me because I’m a man. And you know evolutionary psychology and sociobiology says us men are such incuriously stupid sacks of hammers that if women hadn’t gone and evolved boobs that look like buttocks we’d never have figured out the fucking missionary position!


Tags:

Managing Sex Work: On the Job Moonlighting

The author of Ask a Manager answers an unfamiliar question with grace and aplomb

[Question] “My co-worker is a very open person and tells me to cover for her every time she has to leave the office. Our boss and manager are not here half the time so when they are not, my co-worker leaves either early and/or takes a really long lunch. At the beginning, the excuse for leaving early was because of a date. But she later told me that she’s actually sleeping with people for money. She comes back all proud, telling me how much money she made in an hour.”

[Answer] I’d just be straightforward with her and tell her: “I don’t care what you do in your personal life, but while you’re off making money, you’re leaving me to pick up the slack here. You’re putting me in a bad position, because you’re asking me to cover for you and you’re leaving me with more work.”

Read the quote in context here.

The comment threads are pretty interesting too, some judgmental, some libertarian, some addressing it as a law and order question, others as a straight-up work problem.

A woman from New Zealand takes a similar approach to the Manager

Here in New Zealand it’s not an illegal activity and I would deal with it as suggested above. However if it was an illegal activity, say dealing drugs, then I would be informing management immediately.

The last comment at the moment (dated Nov. 30th) is from the author of the original question clarifying some of the assumptions in comments.

Well I wrote this email in an effort to guide me in the right direction, but really it is easier said than done. I totally agree that prostitution is illegal and she shouldn’t be doing that, but in reality it is a victimless crime. I can not call the cops on her because I just don’t have the heart to do that.

She is really a very good person and is an excellent mother. Most of the people who post comments here assume that since she is selling her body she must be a bad mother. She is not giving that example to her kids. For her kids she works only in the office. Her kids are her priority. Although, I do not agree with her spending habits she provides the best she can for her kids.

Kind of takes away some of the cartoonish shorthand in standard debates about sex work. She’s clearly not “trafficked,” and it would be very difficult to construct her as a victim, a thrall, or dehumanized. But she’s leaving her day-job co-workers holding the bag and pulling her freight plus abusing her responsibilities to her employer.

And yet more evidence that single, blanket characterizations of sex workers, or single, blanket policies for dealing with sex work, would be inadequate to its complexity.


Tags:

Paradox: Testosterone and Anti-Feminism

Summary: Reading too much anti-feminist schlock, dreck, whining, ignorance, and parroted cliché my testosterone level plummeted.

Did a search on Twitter on the keyword “feminism.” After reading entries and following links it sure seems like the keyword is used primarily by both kinds of anti-feminists — the regular misogynists and the kind who say they used to be feminists but now they’re “done with all that.”

Suzie of Echidne of the Snakes, ruminating after grazing, perhaps, on similar straw, says

The Feminism 101 blog says most sexism is unintentional, born out of ignorance. If so, a close second has to be sexist statements made by people who think feminists take ourselves too seriously, want special treatment, are not really oppressed or blame men for everything.

She said it here.

I dunno. The recurring theme that anyone who says “feminism is a movement to end sexism, sexist exploitation, and oppression” can’t be a feminist because their definition of feminism means “women in wool socks with braided armpit hair who hate men, sex, the transgendered, and people of color” is making me particularly gloomy.

Bad or gloomy moods in men are often the result of depressed levels of testosterone brought on by a sense of loss of personal or group status or standing. Which is how I’m feeling after reading those several hundred anti-feminist tweets. Therefore a good way to elevate my mood in the short term would be a nice testosterone patch. And a good way to elevate my testosterone level and thus mood in the long-term would be to find a way to get more people on board with feminism.

I think I’m supposed to say that something about the preceding paragraph is ironic. Maybe it’s just my curmudgeonly mood but I don’t think so.


Tags:

The Problems Inherent in Testing Large Populations With Even Relatively-Reliable Methods

Summary: An example of the political, law-enforcement, and practical problems of detecting vs. dealing with potential terrorists supports Echidne’s analysis of the problem with breast-cancer detection recommendations.

Matthew Yglesias discusses the difference between “common sense” anecdotal evidence and statistical evidence.

Suppose I invent a magical device that can be pointed at a Muslim and say with 90% accuracy whether or not he’s an al-Qaeda operative. Well, if I start waving it around and it starts beeping on one guy, what should we conclude about him? A terrifyingly large number of people are going to say “there’s a ninety percent chance he’s with al-Qaeda! Let’s panic!” In fact, that’s not the case. There are a billion Muslims in the world. A test with 90 percent accuracy is going to mistakenly classify about 100 million of them as al-Qaeda operatives. And al-Qaeda actually has fewer than 10,000 people working for it. I’m going to get something like 10,000 false positives for every actual terrorist I find.

Meanwhile, applying the test to people is going to have severe consequences. The public doesn’t understand this correctly and is going to be put into a wholly unwarranted state of panic about the prevalence of terrorists. People will, of course, demand that those flagged by my machine be subjected to extra-heightened scrutiny. It’s easy to imagine lots of innocent people being mistakenly killed or subjected to discrimination or shunning. And that sense of beseigement and unfair treatment would ultimately heighten tensions between the world’s Muslims and the West, while wasting massive quantities of law enforcement resources chasing basically worthless leads.

Read the quote in context here.

It seems odd to call a discussion of terrorism and racial profiling “non-controversial,” and perhaps even more odd for me to quote so extensively about something seemingly so remote from anything having to do with my main topics of relationships, sex, and gender.

Yet I bring it up to support a post by Echidne of the Snakes defending the statistics and methodology behind the new mammogram restrictions.

It was seriously principled, and courageous, for her to go out on a limb like that. Like a lot of problems in mitigation it’s easy to point to someone who benefitted from the status quo, but harder to identify those who suffered from it.

I think Yglesias’ post explaining the cost of more testing at certain ages (even if the tests were very accurate — which they aren’t in either Yglesias’ nor Echidne’s cases) would tend to overwhelm the system, and individuals, with false positives on the one hand, and still-treatable cases on the other.

Without intending any gender equivalencies, at all, it’s instructive to note that a similar situation arose in prostate cancer detection 10 or 15 years ago: PSA tests brought the price of detection down and the early detection way, way up. But, as you note, detection isn’t the same thing as treatment. At all. In fact detection isn’t even the same thing as understanding the disease!

For better or worse, because the imbalance between detection on the one hand and both understanding and treatment on the other hand was so lopsided it became a big problem for medical ethics: first, it turns out overwhelming numbers of men over 50 or so have detectable early prostate cancer. But for most it’s so slow to grow they die of old age before they can die of the cancer. For most but not all. Enough die, and die fairly horribly, to make treatment a consideration. But the treatments (burning off, cutting off, or poisoning) are generally so debilitating and expensive they shouldn’t be undertaken unless you’re sure it’s the bad kind. Which makes it a shame that researchers then, and now, still can’t tell whether an early cancer will go bad.

The line between the risks and benefits of breast-cancer testing are much harder to draw than prostate-cancer testing was. And so we’re stuck (or I should say “stuck”) with statistical analysis. Which is why it’s really nice to have a committed, ethical, and highly-interested statistician explain these particular findings for us. And with breast cancer the benefits are close enough to the costs (barring further progress in the development of treatment anyway) that it’s really hard to say what the right thing to do might be. And so we’re likely to run into really big shifts in the conclusions.

On a final note I especially appreciated Echidne’s explanation of not only the cost vs. benefit of testing, but how the cost incurred for marginally-valuable testing might be diverting funding from research into treatment or prevention. (emphasis mine.)

Screening is not treatment. To do it at all is based on the hope that early detection raises the odds of survival. This has been shown to be true for cervical cancer and the pap test and also for colon cancer screenings. But the most recent evidence suggests that breast cancer screening is less effective than previously thought. As I mentioned in an earlier post, researchers now suspect that mammograms capture a lot of tumors which might either disappear on their own or never grow much, while missing the very aggressive tumors which develop very rapidly. It is the latter types which are reflected in the mortality statistics

...

The choice to pay for screening (by both individuals and the society) is ultimately a value judgment. But resources are not infinite. If money is spent (by both individuals and the society) in one type of screening, it is not available for other types of screening or for other types of prevention or treatment.

It’s hard when answers aren’t cut and dried, and even harder when the ranges are so close you can get these big shifts in recommendations. And when it’s a controversial subject it’s even harder. Cool that she was willing to dig into it.

Update: See also Amanda Marcotte’s take, with another allusion to prostate cancer (it’s being downscaled too) and more backup links.


Tags:

Turns Out the Opposite of "Not Enough" is Not Actually "Too Much"

Jessica Valenti of Feministing says

You know, a common misconception people have about my work – especially when they see the book title The Purity Myth – is that because I argue that women shouldn’t be held up to some bizarre virginal ideal, I must be promoting promiscuity.

She said it here.

While there’s nothing wrong with being promiscuous (no, really — while nothing is guaranteed it is / was / can be wonderful) it’s just not the only alternative, at all, to celibacy till marriage.

One of the problems of the ideology of sexual scarcity is the perpetual concern lift the lid even a little people will have no self-control at all. Meanwhile, though, if you’re not bought into the idea of scarcity the either/or hypothesis seems pretty unrealistic.

A good example that maybe too many people are familiar with: consider how office cubicle-farm denizens in really restrictive office environments will empty a momentarily unguarded office supply room of its pens, pencils, yellow stickies, kleenex boxes, and binder clips.

Meanwhile, though, in offices where the supply room is open people generally take only the supplies they actually need to do their jobs. No office-supply orgies ever break out because you don’t have people perpetually aware of what they need to do their work and how hard it is to get it.

It’s the same way with sex — minus all the pressure the alternative to no sex with your partner is generally going to be, at most, sex with your partner rather than sex with everyone in Cancún over Spring Break.


Tags:

User login