Melissa Gira of Sexerati has written a very cool manifesto for real adult sex. Four sterling paragraphs that begins with an assertion about the importance of communication about sex, a reminder that communicating unjustified shame for others or unjustified fears about our inadequacies limits all of us, a reminder that we don’t learn to enjoy sex by just reading, watching, or talking about it (any more than we learn to ride a bike by watching others), and a final “assignment” to
...ask someone that you want to kiss for a kiss. Be honest, straightforward, direct. Be seductive, shy, cute. Be whatever comes up naturally. The important thing to do is get over that fear of asking. The world will not end, and hey, you might even have a good time. If we all do it, we might all have a better time. Kiss someone for the sake of it, for the sake of sex, for the sake of your own well-being. Then tell us how it went, okay? We’re all in this sex smart thing together.
Best of all she’s not advocating that we all go out and hook up more, she’s not saying we should do anything better, or something right or that we’re doing anything wrong, she’s not expecting anyone to push their sexual boundaries, and especially she’s not saying go listen to a bunch of experts tell you how it is. Instead all she’s only asking that we ask for a kiss from someone we want to kiss. For a start.
High marks all around, Melissa. It’s all I can do to keep from quoting the whole thing here. So go read the whole thing there.
[Via Amber Rhea. Thanks, Amber. —fl]
Submitted by 1279 (not verified) on Fri, 2007-03-30 13:19.
What do *you* mean by almost perfect, figleaf? From my point of view, it seems to be written for singles. I really am not going to "ask someone that you want to kiss for a kiss", much as I'd very much like to ;) - that path leads to destruction of long term relationships methinks. Pity though.
I'm not sure what it is (and this is more about the original post without your additional and broader comments), but something there makes me feel it is preaching to the converted. Anyone who is struggling with communicating about sex is laible to feel even more inadequate because "what comes naturally" is that they can't get over their fears and perceived inadequacies. Getting out there and practising is just not easy for everyone.
[Interesting perspective, A, and I can see your point. However it didn't occur to me that the person one most wanted to kiss couldn't be one's own partner. Neither did I think the advice to communicate couldn't mean with one's partner. And finally, given how media for the married is just as full of "sexpert" advice as single's media, the admonition to trust one's self would work no less well either way. Gira may not have meant it to be universal but that doesn't mean we can't make it mean that. :-) And finally, yes, I agree communication is bloody hard -- as hard for me as anybody, certainly so in real life. But the question isn't "is it hard" instead it's how, on balance, the anguish of communicating compares with the anguish of enduring silence. Thanks, A. --fl]
Submitted by 1279 (not verified) on Sat, 2007-03-31 07:58.
Figs (and A.)
Gira's comments are also directed, I think, chiefly at women, and I think that's a GOOD thing.
Men, in American cultural context anyway, have traditionally been the askers, in everything from the first dance to the marriage proposal. And they're the ones who have been expected to initiate both romantic and sexual activity as well. They have to ask and risk rejection all the time. I recognize that there are cases in which a man (or boy) does something extreme because of rejection, but generally speaking, men don't die because a woman has turned them down. Women won't die either if their advances are rejected. If you ask or propose or initiate (and I'm not just talking about actual sex) one of two things can happen - your partner could say no, in which case you're no worse off than you were before (yes, I realize that's oversimplified - stay with me for the sake of argument). The other is that your partner says yes, in which case, you're better off than you were before you asked. The point is, you'll never get a yes if you don't ask.
The thing is, at least for older women like me, it's very hard to put this philosophy into practice, but I sure as heck try. And the other thing (Thing 2, you might say) is that in very long term relationships like A. and I both have, lots of communication is subtextual, and the steps in ask/yes/ask/no dance have been worked out long ago, and we tend not to ask because we think we already know the answer. But again, we may be surprised if we do.
["...in very long term relationships like A. and I both have, lots of communication is subtextual..." Same here. And that's where I saw value for couples in the Gira's post, whether she meant it for singles or not. Her "assignment" was to ask for a kiss, a deceptively simple task for long-term couples where you often peck eachother's lips while coming or going, or kiss passionately as part of sex, but rarely kiss for no good reason at all the way we often do without even thinking early in our relationships. It's deceptive because *asking* for a kiss opens up a whole 'nother conversation than simply delivering or receiving one. Thanks, Captain. --fl]
Submitted by 1279 (not verified) on Sat, 2007-03-31 11:50.
"It's deceptive because *asking* for a kiss opens up a whole 'nother conversation than simply delivering or receiving one."
Yes, that's why I said my argument was oversimplified. So much about long term relationships is non verbal and contextual.
[Exactly! I'm slowly percolating a post about our assumptions that sex between compatible people ought to be "natural." Meaning if we were doing it "right" we wouldn't... or maybe *shouldn't*... have to talk about it before or after. Thanks, Janeway. --fl]
Submitted by 1279 (not verified) on Sat, 2007-03-31 13:24.
I have rewritten this reply umpteen times in an effort to make it sound less as though I rampage around the countryside randomly accosting men. But I do have to say that I have no problem asking my other half for a kiss for no apparent reason but we have experienced a sort of renaissance since the offspring left home. Nevertheless I cannot put my hand on my heart and say there are no other men I would like to kiss. It is much, much safer for me to deny that the advice is for me :)
[Ok, *that* I can understand, A. Thanks for clarifying. (One note, though: I get the *strongest* impression that a lot of "do's and don't's" advice that's been handed down through the ages originated that way and no one ever caught on. Victoria's "lie back and think of England" almost certainly being a tongue-in-cheek remark that was taken horribly seriously. :-) ) Thanks! --fl]