One of my big irritations with industrial porn (to the extent clips of clearly commercial porn uploaded to sites like YouPorn are representative) is that there’s generally only one way heterosexuals do anything. Blowjobs? Well, porn tries to teach us that sooner or later she’ll invariably cock her head way back with her mouth open, waiting with extraordinary-if-one-was-actually-horny passivity while the guy frantically masturbates up to half a foot away.
Anal sex? Well, in porn it’s rear entry, butt high, quick insertion with very little evidence of lube, then whacka-whacka-whacka pumping. Oh yeah, then turn around, she goes on her knees, head back, passively waiting, waiting, waiting…. waiting… while, invariably, he frantically whacks off, again, from what I’d call a considerable distance. Oh, unless he sticks it in her mouth for a bit and then backs off for the masturbation bit.
Boring. Also not how most people recommend you get started.
Anyway Holly of The Pervocracy picked a method that probably won’t be picked up by the Industrials because it doesn’t exacerbate whatever itch it is their customers think they want scratched, but as these things go it did have a couple of elements in its favor, especially for…
Welp, today I lost my anal virginity. (My last “virginity” of even slight consequence. I guess I’m a Woman now. I feel so different.)
I was hilariously nervous, so I did it the most controlled way possible—tied Jon to the bed, hands out of my way, hips too tightly bound to thrust up at me—got him hard, lubed him up, gritted my teeth, and… it slid right in and felt rather nice. No pain, no poo, and to be honest, it felt surprisingly similar to getting fucked the regular way. It was good. He liked it too.
Now Holly and her partner Jon are big into BDSM sensation play, and they switch roles constantly, so her method might not for everybody. But then when it comes to sex what method is?
Now I’d suggest that if the pain of anal sex wasn’t so hyped (by, say, certain toolbags found in Details Magazine for whom discomfort seemed to be the only real benefit) then Holly might not have taken so many precautions. But any number of sources recommend her basic approach: the “receptive” person doesn’t just call the shots, she or he takes the active role.
Hmm. Couple of other points as long as I’m on the subject.
This one from Holly as well
Finger in butt = ugh.Penis in butt = ooh.
I think this has discouraged a tragic number of people from trying butt play. Because if something as small as a finger is so uncomfortable, anything bigger must be worse, right? Wrong.
Partners have mentioned the same effect for vaginal penetration and now that she mentions it the few times I’ve experiemented there really is a big, big comfort difference between fingers and dildos in the butt. Anyone else notice this?
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And finally, the folks at Midwest Teen Sex Show have tackled anal sex this week with their usual combination of dead-on info and seriously don’t-try-this-at-home humor sketches. They address the issue of poop (if you’re uncomfortable talking about poop you’re not ready for anal sex), lubrication and protection (in an even better than usual midwest cooking show skit), and my favorite Laura the Tooth point that “if anyone gets it in the ass, everyone gets it”) that promotes a healthy “do unto others as they will do unto you. Next” approach.
Submitted by 1816 (not verified) on Sun, 2007-12-16 21:19.
have definitely noticed the difference between fingers and phalluses (phalli?).
anal sex is wonderful and feels just awesome. A finger of a small butt-plug as lead up is uncomfortable and not sexy. I just try to grin and bear it and remember that the good part is coming.
[Thanks, Vistana. I'm not sure why it makes that something larger would be more comfortable but... well, for all that patriarchal talk about "rock-hard phalluses" they're larger, yes, but actually quite soft and rounded compared to fingers. --fl]
Submitted by 1816 (not verified) on Sun, 2007-12-16 21:21.
Wow, she tied him down so that he could not thrust. That's a novel approach. So funny and shows how different we all are. It makes sense considering. I guess if the partner with the penis was not tied down, he would need to be very aware of what is going on with his partner. Maybe that is the appeal? For some, anyway...kind of like a trust exercise.
[It doesn't hurt that she and her partner *regularly* tie each other up (she inventoried 200 feet of rope in her toy bag not too long ago.) But yeah, even if you weren't into rope the real point is that *she owned it* her first time out instead of "giving herself" to him. And even though that's not really modeled in (industrial) porn it's a totally valid way to go about it. Oh, and yes, if he's *not* tied down then he does have to be quite aware of what's going on with his partner. Oh yeah. It doesn't *have* to hurt, and in fact if it hurts he's not doing it right, but you have to pay attention. Thanks, Althea. --fl]
Submitted by 1816 (not verified) on Sun, 2007-12-16 22:08.
Gosh, you posted about my anus... gosh.
Anyway, I'm going to stop giggling-and-blushing and quibble with one bit of buttsex common wisdom that the Midwest Teen Sex Show brings up: that guys who give it must necessarily be willing to get it. I don't agree with that. Obviously it's wrong to butt-top if you believe butt-bottoming is disgusting, but if it's a matter of preference--if the girl likes the feeling and the guy doesn't--there's no justification for making him uncomfortable. Sex isn't a battle or a sport; if you fundamentally respect each other you don't need perfect quid-pro-quo fairness to enjoy it.
Honestly, I think the whole idea of "you better be ready to get it yourself, buster" reinforces the idea of receptive anal sex as unpleasant--the idea that if the girl "does this for him", he "owes her one". It makes the girl doing the guy into something uggily close to revenge.
If you wanna play that way that's your deal, but it's not a scenario we should use as the standard. I like "if you like it up the butt you get it, and if you don't like it you don't" much better.
[I'm actually thinking about the two-way thing a little proactively but for an awful lot of people it evidently *does* hurt, and, worse (as you say) a lot of people think that it's *supposed to.* And consequently don't bother to take the (fairly simple, I gather) steps necessary to make sure it doesn't. So. I'm just saying that if you *start* with the assumption that what's fair one way is fair the other, then I think negotiations have quite a bit more basis in trust. Sure, parties A and B can *agree* that party B would like to receive but party A would decline, but that's different than "I'm not queer so *you* should bend over for me." Oh, and finally, since unlike genitals it's very, very much the same tissue for men and women, at least until he's tried it once then party A may not have sufficient information to determine whether he'd enjoy it. (On the other hand party B may be dead sure she doesn't want to do it to him even though she'd enjoy him doing it to her. Which is fine as well.) Thanks, Holly. --fl]
Submitted by 1816 (not verified) on Mon, 2007-12-17 03:22.
That Mid West Teen Sex Show is excellent, so much so I'm considering sending the female masturbation link to Papillon who is struggling with her new-found sexuality. The humour might just take the anxiety away, but then again it might not translate.
And yes, a penis has a whole different and wonderful feel, but there are a few things fingers can do that a penis can't :)
[Like a lot of other things I think it would be ghastly if MTSS was all the sex ed one had, but because of the way it burlesques (in a good way) the sort of unspoken fears that formal/institutional sex ed can't address I think it's actually kind of indespensible. So yes, assuming Papillon has other support I think it might make a wonderfully "palette cleaner" now that she has a new course set before her. Thanks, A. --fl]
Submitted by 1816 (not verified) on Mon, 2007-12-17 04:46.
As with so much about sex, good anal depends on communication first and foremost.
Me being a sadist, when I do it, yeah, I kind of like it to hurt; it's hard to believe it's hurting when my partner is begging me for permission to orgasm, though! (That said, my partners are often masochists, so maybe it does hurt and that's why they're loving it...) But the idea that it "should" hurt is not one that belongs outside such relationships. I could easily have fucked my partner's bottom without hurting her, it's just we like it another way.
I like to receive as well as give, although again, being the Dominant sadist in a relationship means I don't get it from someone else all that often (it's all very well saying, "I command you to fuck my arse", but if she's not comfortable with the idea, it's not wise to impose it).
From my own personal experience, I don't recognise this about a finger being uncomfortable (I guess I've learned something new today!) Maybe it makes a difference if it's someone else's finger instead of my own.
As for anal porn - I guess it works that way if you've done it many times before, but most people I would guess don't do it as often as porn stars do. Of course, with porn it's very often about showing what's going on, so the positions (and whacking off, for the money shot) are about display rather than what's good practice in general. That said, I think most of the porn I've seen with anal in it does often have positions where the man is seated facing the camera with the woman on top and controlling everything (although with lots of moans and appearance of wild abandon going on). It does always end up with the whacking off at a distance, though. Also, they do use lube sometimes, but it seems to be more a signal of "look what we're going to do next" rather than any proper preparation.
[Thanks, SDE. --fl]
Submitted by 1816 (not verified) on Mon, 2007-12-17 06:01.
My partner was wonderful about letting me control everything the first time we "went anal." I chose to go with the reverse cowgirl position and it worked out wonderfully, as did the regular cowgirl position. My partner was actually the first to want things in his ass, which made me more receptive to anal play in the first place. Imagine my surprise when I found I loved his tongue and fingers "back there." Moving on to full-on anal penetration within a few weeks just seemed like a logical progression.
The moving away to ejaculate in porn is all about "the money shot." In real life, I can't imagine anyone would want to not be close to/inside their partner while orgasming. But to each his own, I suppose.
[Actually I can imagine it -- the other day Belle de Jour said warm semen on her skin feels great. And I'd say if it's anything like the first drips from a hot-oil massage she's probably right. I *don't* think, however that it's the best feeling *for the man* since we can, um, whack off any old time. Perhaps I lack, er, romance, but perhaps also I posess nerve endings. :-) Thanks, Bunny. --fl]
Submitted by 1816 (not verified) on Mon, 2007-12-17 19:35.
You know, I actually totally dig on money shots. I find having come all over me hot hot hottt! And I like watching it. I do, however, wish porn movies managed to make it look less contrived...
As to the dry anal sex... I always remind myself that pornstars come pre-lubricated. Not a joke - they'll stick a plunger full of lube up their ass before filming starts. Pretty clever if you ask me... I never manage to do this in my own sex because we never plan ahead that much :P (also, I'm not sure I own an appropriate plunger. I should invest!)
[Yeah, as I said a moment ago I think it generally feels a lot better to receive than to produce a "money shot." So speaking at least for myself I'd be willing to do it for a partner who requested it, but definitely not every time. Also yeah, I'm curious why toy shops don't offer plungers, although I guess the caps on some lube containers would make it fairly easy to just insert and squeeze. Something to think about next time I survey shops are offering these days. Thanks, Plymouth. --fl]
Submitted by 1816 (not verified) on Tue, 2007-12-18 01:25.
Again with the BDSM perspective here: this time, about "cum anointing" (outside of a porn setting, the term "money shot" just seems crass, I was going to say "external ejaculation", but that was way too formal!)
From my point of view, as a man who's done it, it's actually pretty hot for me, as well. It can have connotations of power or initiation, it can be a pretend sacred ritual, it can be a "humiliation" or even a reward, depending on how you and your partner are feeling. I've always said that the brain is the most important sex organ, and all those things are about what's going on in the minds of the participants.
But when it comes to a porn money shot, very often there's very little of that lovely stuff shown, it's just a form of expectant waiting by the female and a dutiful wanking by the male to get the "closer".
(Oh yeah, and it's a lot easier to share it if it's served up on the outside, too)
[Thanks, SDE. --fl]
Submitted by 1816 (not verified) on Thu, 2007-12-20 00:05.
Just to add my two bits...
Finger up the bum.. eh feeling
Small silicone toy.. awesome
Nice hard male prong.. excellent!
Not sure why. I've noticed lately that a lot of my arousal around anal I think is purely mental. I want to enjoy it, so I do. I think of the physical and mental components, the mental one is by far the larger of the two. Don't get me wrong. The sensation is awesome too. I totally bliss out while he's working the back door.. lost in just enjoying every last bit of it. But I think it just struck me recently how much a lot of this is the way it is because I want it to be that way.
My SO is actually a little jealous of how easily I can relax and take all of him.. and take a nice hard pounding. He's commented that it's awfully nice that he doesn't really have to hold back - I can take what he can give so long as I'm well warmed up. Must be relaxing too, in a way, to not have to hold your attention out of the moment more to keep an eye on your partner or keep tight control of yourself. Though I know he would stop on a dime if I asked him to.
[Cool perspective, Quilzas. I agree that mental preparation and/or attitude seems to be a huge, huge part of it. And, as you say, it's not like zen-guru mental preparation to withstand an onslaught, just a question of whether it's something you want, enjoy, and can therefore either invite instead of resist. If it's not something you actually *want* then, yeah, all the guru-meditation on the planet probably won't help. (Neither will, of course, all the narratives about pain as in, oh, say, porn.) Oh yeah, and sometimes? I think it's just not for everyone, so I'm not saying if someone doesn't enjoy it they should keep trying. Uh-uh, struggling to make something feel good doesn't quite compute. :-) Thanks! --fl]