I noticed the other day that the Ashley Madison website is now advertising on television. The ad I saw invites a woman who’s burdened with an, um, inattentive husband to consider an affair with a soulful-looking customer… or maybe waiter.
I wonder about all the websites and alt-weekly personals that are designed to facilitate adultery. I’m not personally opposed to people having relationships outside of their primary partnerships. Although I do think they ought to be conducted as responsibly as, well, any other kind of social relationship ought to be.
Thing is? The tagline for that ad is “When divorce is not an option.”
The common assumption, as expressed in that ad, that one pursues an affair to escape one’s main relationship. When it seems like a much better idea to seek affairs that enhance one’s primary relationships by, say, providing outlets for expression and activity that aren’t otherwise available. In other words, instead of when divorce is not an option how about when divorce is the last thing you’re even interested in.
Note: Obviously I’m not limiting this notion to sexual affairs. The kind of “outside” intimacy I’m thinking about, the kind that gives one perspective, say, rather than distraction, appreciation rather than relief, and re-creation rather than neglect or abandonment is larger than that.
Note #2: Neither am I proposing that those inclined to relationship-affirming affairs attempt to bring in the entire infrastructure of polyamory. (As Sigourny Weaver’s character said to Kevin Klein’s in Ang Lee’s “how-not-to” The Ice Storm – Criterion Collection
Oh, and note #3: given that 50% of relationships that make it to marriage end in divorce it’s not like the present model of 100%-investment-till-failure-or-nothing is so durable all we need to do is just clap louder to make it all better.
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Submitted by 2767 (not verified) on Fri, 2009-03-13 06:40.
Non-sexual outside intimacy - I have friends with whom I can talk for hours at a time about rambling topics. Like four or five hours or more. My husband isn't wired to enjoy that or even really be able to do that.
It doesn't take anything away from our relationship that I have these conversations with my friends. It would be pretty awful if I had to give up these conversations, or try to force my husband into doing something he doesn't enjoy, just because we're married.
Submitted by 2767 (not verified) on Fri, 2009-03-13 17:45.
Yeah, well, in most places adultery isn't actually illegal, just a "sin" which is grounds for divorce or annulment. I'm assuming that they're going by the very common assumption that monogamy is the only right way to do things, so if you're having "outside" relationships, something's wrong... even if your partner consents to it! So in a polyamorous situation, one or both partners are "committing" adultery. This only makes sense if you consider marriage to not be about love (which is true in a purely legalistic sense, as it's more about property rights and blood ties than anything else) despite the fact that 95-99% of modern people marry entirely for reasons of love.
Submitted by 2767 (not verified) on Sat, 2009-03-14 16:58.
Re: #2, I'd note that the number of people who have multiple-spouse-equivalent relationships in the poly community has always seemed to me to be a minority, so I'm not sure what "entire infrastructure" you're referring to....
(Captcha: social voyagers)
Submitted by 2767 (not verified) on Fri, 2009-06-05 11:14.
The Ashley Madison site makes adultery sound romantic. Hopefully the people who follow her advice are not so self aborbed to be aware that they will be tearing apart the lives of their family especially there children respect they could lose for good if they get exposed.
I'll never understand why people committ adultery. If you don't want to be faithful, at least respect your spouse enough to give them the option of deciding if they can live with an open relationship instead of betraying and deceiving them. Adultery is not harmless fun and even can have tragic conquences.