Somewhat related to Heather and CJ’s chapter on sexual entry, Kink In Exile has a cool post up about personal space and boundaries.
Months ago I had an argument with someone over touching. I am a very physical person. I did not want this person to touch me. Why? Because it felt wrong… I don’t know why. It felt like a violation.
Last night I was getting a massage from someone who warned me that he doesn’t mix massage with sexual touch…“it’s all about intent” I believe were his words. It made sense. I am nude lying on a bed and his touch does not feel intrusive. I am fully clothes in a public space and his hand on my back crosses a line. It isn’t quantitative, I can’t tell him (for that abstract all the men in my life past, present and future value of him) where he can touch and where he can’t. I can’t even tell him when, or in what context it is appropriate. It is about the intent he comes to me with, and about my perception.
Kink in Exile adds that it’s not necessary about lengthy conversations either. Which is one good reason why intent is a handy concept. It implies that while not every single action requires verbal negotiation before proceeding (which sounds a bit too much like process fetishism in kink) it does mean verbal check in is needed at every point where there’s any possibility of ambiguity.
