Anastasia of Sexualité, discussing tropes in industrial porn, says

It dawned on me that in eight out of ten hetero porn scenes (especially amateur flicks, ‘ten dollar online porn’), a woman will usually be depicted bringing herself to orgasm while her vagina is occupied. She’ll be on her back, on top, or on her knees, with her hand between her legs, stroking her clitoris; watching this can sometimes exhaust me, and shine light on more questions, but more recently it has resurrected Terri Garr’s line in Tootsie, that feminist statement:

‘I am responsible for my own orgasm!’

I beg to differ, and if I put it all under my sexual microscope I can relate it to my own sexual hiatus. I also don’t subscribe to the overrated ‘Fuck, like you’re being filmed,’ quote that’s done the rounds. The thing is this: sure, I’m responsible for my own orgasm during my own solo time, but if I’m engaging with another person, it’s their responsibility as it is mine; I don’t shirk my sexual responsibilities, or efforts to press their buttons. So why the fuck am I expected to press my own button? Call it sexual chauvinism, I don’t particularly care, but it’s enough that I’m there, naked, and ready to go. Do I also have to sit in the driving seat and do all the work? If I’m going to sit there masturbating for a partner, then what’s the point? If they want voyeuristic thrills, they can dig out a porn film, whack it in the DVD player and go to town.

Read the quote in context here

The irony, of course, is that in porn anyway almost all sex ends with the men stopping whatever they’re doing and masturbating so that everyone can… see what a good time he was having before he stopped to masturbate? I dunno. I’ve never understood that bit, though I’ve got my little pet theories.

As for whether everyone should be responsible for their own orgasms, I think it’s important to know that the climate back when Tootsie was being filmed was that women’s enjoyment was considered exclusively the man’s responsibility. Not least because back then women were still expected to be embarrassed to admit they had any kind of sexual autonomy at all, let alone that they masturbated, let alone that they were active participants in sex.

Anyway, because of that historical bias I’m way more in favor of women taking charge of their own orgasms during sex. It doesn’t have to involve fingers or toys (though it’s totally fine if they do.) Instead it can be as direct as shifting herself or her partner during intercourse so that the stimulation works for her.

Also, it’s worth noting that turning the tables that way works both ways. There are a couple of positions for intercourse, mainly woman on top and pressing way down, that seem to be very effective for them while making it quite hard for me to get enough stimulation to have an orgasm myself. (The top of my cock right at the base, where most of the pressure happens in those positions, has almost no erotic nerve endings.) Consequently in those positions I also have to take responsibility for my own orgasms or I won’t have them.

Finally, because a minority of women seem to reliably have orgasms during straight intercourse, and because we’ve all got this idea that orgasms from straight intercourse are “normal,” and because believing that makes most women “abnormal.” Not my idea of a good definition. If you add that the notion that “his cock should be enough” is highly, highly male-centric, I’m just really wary about the whole idea.

I thoroughly, thoroughly agree, though, that the Tootsie-era declaration of responsibility runs the risk of letting men completely off the hook for their partner’s orgasms. And that’s the point I think Anastasia is making in her post.

Luckily the Tootsie era was almost 30 25 years ago. Nowadays I like to push for the possibility that when people are having sex they’re both responsible for making sure everybody is getting what they want out of it.