Holly of The Pervocracy, trying her hand at Good-Housekeepingmocking, riffs on “18 Clues He’s Still Crazy About You”

By popular request (one person is “popular” around here), I will point out the thuddingly obvious: this Good Housekeeping article on “18 Clues He’s Still Crazy About You” is retarded. It’s jokey of course, but the jokes are only funny if you accept their basic premises as true. So hopefully they’re not very funny.

1. When you wear a T-shirt, boxers, and socks to bed, somehow he still thinks you’re cute.

“Somehow?” “Still?” Jeez. So in general, a set of really sexy lingerie just on the hanger would be sexier than an actual slightly disheveled woman?

She said it here.

Um. Yeah, t-shirt, boxers and socks to bed only somehow sexy?

See..

It’s like…

Look, first of all, you’d think that 100,000 elegantly, lucidly, and passionately articulated assertions that what you wear is not an excuse for unwanted advances or worse would have some effect. Second, though, you’d think 100,000 perfectly clear assertions about unwanted attention would translate into an understanding that it’s not a factor in wanted attention either!

Second of all, what, exactly, isn’t sexy about t-shirts, boxers, and socks? Does your (male) partner only look good to you dressed in… what? Don Draper’s business suit? Hugh Hefner’s smoking jacket? Borat’s yellow… bikini?... holster?... swimsuit thingie? But not a t-shirt, boxers, and socks? Then why not you?

And finally, the nice thing about boxers and t-shirts (if not quite socks) is unlike, say, corsets, fishnets, and push-up bras they’re actually soft, comfortable, and roomy. They feel good against our skin as well as yours. And unlike almost anything “sexy” they’re not made to be “torn off after five minutes” because they don’t get in the way! (Sounds weirdly paradoxical I know but compared to a nice pair of white bikinis or boyshorts a thong’s darn hard to slip one’s hand inside of.) And the socks? Every good lover knows a warm partner is a sexy partner. (And even bad lovers know that a partner in socks isn’t going to shock us shriveled when you slip your iceberg toes between our thighs to try and warm up.)

Anyway, “somehow” sexy? Somehow still sexy? Sorry, “less revealing” isn’t the same as “not sexy.” 10,000,000 ads in vogue not withstanding, for anyone less superficial than Prince it’s who’s wearing it (hint: you) not what you wear that matters most to your partner.