At school the under-20 set seems way more comfortable with — almost unconsciously unconcerned about — casual sex. Yet they still fall in love, have amazing crushes, tragic heartbreaks, and generally care for each other quite a bit.

This totally contradicts the “buy a cow” model of relationships. They have all the sex they want… without it affecting their romance.

This makes sense in a big way because conservative “values” refer primarily to marginal values.

For instance only a small handful of U.S. Protestants believe men and women dancing together are immoral, and to the extent those societies are closed it’s probably accurate to say that those who dance probably are inclined to immorality. And within that society there’s a chance that relationships involving dancing have a lower probability of leading to a deep partnership.

In slightly larger circles kissing before the third date is a sign of weak character and, to the extent those societies are closed it’s probably accurate to say that those who kiss before the third date probably are inclined to immorality. And within that society there’s a chance that relationships involving dancing have a lower probability of leading to a deep partnership… while those who merely dance together go completely unremarked.

And in an even larger set of circles having sex before marriage is a sign of loose morals and, to the extent those societies are closed you could probably say that those who do have sex before marriage are loose men or women. And within that society there’s a chance that relationships involving have a lower probability of leading to a deep partnership… while those who merely dance or kiss before the third date go completely unremarked.

In other words very few conservatives argue that we should go back to completely sequestering men and women who aren’t related (as Osama bin Laden evidently believes is proper moral behavior.) And while 100 years ago quite a few conservatives decried dancing as undermining morals, common decency, and the underpinnings of meaningful relationships, today’s conservatives don’t give it a second thought because dancing, in fact, isn’t an issue at all. And while 50 years ago quite a few conservatives decried kissing as undermining morals, common decency and the underpinnings of meaningful relationships, modern conservatives don’t give it a second thought because kissing, in fact, isn’t an issue at all.

I expect that some of the under-20s who are cheerfully bopping away today are just as conservative as their elders, and I’m sure that in their middle age they’ll find something to fulminate about as undermining morals, common decency, and the underpinnings of meaningful relationships. But I’m betting they won’t give casual sex a second thought because for them it won’t be an issue at all.

And in a sense this makes perfect sense. By definition conservatives cast a gimlet eye on new developments in relationships. And by definition conservatives are going to worry about how relationships will be affected by those changes. But also by definition conservatives are absolutely, perfectly, comfortably at home with whatever was the norm in their formative years.

The prudish libertine in me celebrates the fact that “today’s youth” suffers no less romantic anguish or elation than their antecedents, despite taking sex far less seriously The libertine prude in me is happy as well since I believe that past failures to distinguish between love and lust has brought more grief who have mistaken the two than 10,000 blog posts could possibly fill.

Update: I want to make it very clear that I’m neither idealizing nor necessarily advocating casual sex (any more than, by extension, I’m calling for casual kissing or casual dancing.) I’m just saying that romance, love, and partnership don’t seem to depend on a “mystery” of sex, kissing, or dancing to endure. Or thrive.