A week or two ago a bunch of sex bloggers, including me, brought mentioned the r-word fantasy: consensual rape.
It’s a properly taboo fantasy because so fucking much is at stake in the real world.
The story swirling around the non-sex blogosphere is about a young woman who may go to jail soon for accusing her boyfriend and three other men of gang-raping her. Here’s the version as reported in the Portland Oregonian, via Kevin Drum of The Washington Monthly where I first encountered the story.
The accuser’s accusation is evidently cloudy enough that even her lawyer said he understands why prosecutors declined to charge the men. However the prosecutors turned around, charged the woman for making false statements, and now she faces up to 30 days in jail and a $1,250 fine.
Sigmund Freud (who I perhaps over reference) made a point that crimes that are the most taboo (and thus most harshly punished) are often the crimes the majority themselves feel the greatest urges to commit. I happen to think the differences are clear between the consensual “frankly my dear I don’t give a damn” ravishment of fantasy and the felonious sexual assaults of reality, but an awful lot of other people seem to find the two easily confused. Which, now that I think of it, was probably what Freud had in mind. (Obligatory caveat: While I agree with a number of Freud’s observations I’m not a Freudian in the sense that I accept his grand theories of everything — the more I read about him and, especially his direct descendents, the loopier his grand theories seem. But I’m digressing.)
I also happen to believe that rapists — real perpetrators of criminal sexual assault — get a fuck of a lot of mileage out of people’s confusion, their unspoken assumptions, their underlying frustrations, their selective memories, and their squeamish unwillingness to speak directly about sex.
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I’m not going to express my (very real) outrage about the adult “boys” (the prosecutor’s term) who had sex with this underage woman. I’m not going to express dismay about the way single cases such as this poison the well for multitudes of clear-cut victims (although as a long-ago crisis counselor I know too well how much harder it makes it for victims to come forward and for prosecutors to obtain convictions.) Others in the blogosphere are doing this exceptionally well. I agree with them with all my heart.
I’m not even going to suggest that people who enjoy consensual rape fantasies or other D/s relationships keep their fantasies to themselves for fear of further muddying the water for real victims. Instead I’m going once again going to quote from Steff’s remarkable post about sex and communications
I think the biggest thing wrong in North American relationships today is our almost Puritanical approach to talking about anything sexual. We have so many hang-ups and inhibitions when it comes to sex. We got to get past this, people.
We refuse to talk about it. Or most people do, that is. It’s shunned. We talk about things surrounding sex — the flirtation, the outfits, the seduction, the wining ‘n’ dining, the commitment, the logistics — but never the nitty gritty, the real stuff that affects us on an individual level.
The issue isn’t that some people (lots? few? it doesn’t matter but I suspect lots) have rape fantasies. The issue isn’t even that they do or don’t feel properly guilty about it. The problem is that since those fantasies are double taboo — taboo romantic fantasies about a taboo violent crime — no one is willing to talk about them in any but the most romantic, “just this once,” stylized/pornified fashion. Since people don’t discuss the excitement and/or enjoyment they get from fantasizing or role-playing rape in stand-up, pants-on settings everyone else makes assumptions like “she really wanted it” and “these boys were only having fun.”
The BDSM community does a wonderful, sometimes even over the top job of explaining themselves and educating people about what they do, how to enjoy it most, and how to reduce the risks. The formerly peripheral gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transsexual community did an outstanding job clarifying and demystifying themselves (despite pockets of surprisingly deep but fading in relevancy pockets of resistance.) Sex toy aficionados have succeeded so well that (outside of a few deep red localities) toys are sold Tupperware-style in suburban homes. Lately polyamorists have been making enough headway that articles on “the new monogamy” now crop up in mainstream publications.
Everyone has benefited from these information campaigns, opponents, potential opponents, potential practitioners, and practitioners alike. But not rape fantasists and role-players. They — you, we, us — are still in the closet about it. You/we/they aren’t getting the word out. I/they/we have been falling down on the job about what does and doesn’t work, how one deals with it… what is and isn’t ok! That’s a shame because unnamed girls in Oregon are suffering as a result. And unnamed “boys” in Oregon and other, even more dangerous perpetrators, are getting away with it.
For once I’m sorry that I haven’t really felt those fantasies for going on three decades now or I’d be kicking this post off with a big fat essay outlining what I know with recommendations for how to proceed. I don’t remember enough, I haven’t experienced enough, to do so. That I once had those fantasies, though, makes it my problem anyway.
It’s a fantasy that, truth be told, I’d just as soon went away. But evidence in porn, blog posts, popular literature, and too many jury pools and judicial chambers suggests it’s not going to. As an excellent senior technical writer used to tell me all too often, “When a confusing term keeps coming back to haunt users, canonize it: define it, explain it clearly, and repeat it so that no one mistakes your meaning.” This fantasy/reality of consensual vs. criminal rape would be a textbook example. Neither the fantasy nor, I’m very sorry to say, the crime are going away. Therefore it would be best to canonize the fantasy to a point that fantasy participants, passers by, and, ideally, prosecutors can tell the difference and act responsibly… and put more of the right people and fewer of the wrong people in jail!
If you’ve put some thought into it, or can point me to people who have, I’d love to hear about it. If you’d like to put your suggestions in comments or email I’d love to hear them. If you’d be willing to talk to each other about it I’d appreciate it.
Submitted by 505 (not verified) on Mon, 2005-12-05 18:47.
Unfortunately, I do have a rape fantasy. But it's pretty goddamned passive. And if any guy tries that shit with me, he better pray he walks away. I'm one girl who can take care of myself. I'd let a lover have a go at the role-playing, but that's a different situation.
I'm tired and I've missed some of the gist of your post, but I think I'll reread it later, and instead, I'll fly by the seat of my pants on this one.
I've fantasized about being the hero at high school who gets to overtake badguys with guns and kill them, I've fantasized about being the Prime Minister of Canada. I've fantasized about eating the world's largest cinnamon roll. I've fantasized about being a cloud and floating high above the world for days on end.
I've even fantasized about being a man.
Doesn't mean I'm gonna do sweet fuck all to actualize any of those fantasies.
It's a real shame that we have to justify the workings of our inner mind, our darker halves, just so that we can somehow feel like a moral person. That people can turn our thoughts against us has always been depressing. It's easier now than ever, though.
Fuck, man. Isn't it ironic? We're living in the information age, and as a result, we have to be more careful about what we say and what we share than we've ever had to be before. With all this technology, somebody somewhere might just be keeping a record of all those silly little things you've said and done on the spur of a moment.
And what really sucks is that being such an open (snicker) society like we are, this'll put such a cramp in our style. Hardy-har-har.
[This is good, Steff. So what I'm hearing you say is that yes, you have these fantasies, that they're of a certain style (that I suspect a lot of people share), that you clearly understand the distinction between fantasy and fact, that you clearly aren't interested even in role-playing those fantasies, and that you're worried that even expressing an interest would further victimize rather than protect you if you had to deal with police and prosecutors should you ever become the victim of a crime. Furthermore you express the concern that others might be in the same boat. Those are all the kind of strong, affirmative statements I think would make a good beginning. Oh yeah, and I note similarities in your story to other people's fantasies about overcoming burglars, gang members, bank robbers, or muggers yet... you don't see anyone claiming *those* people are somehow asking to get robbed or beaten. The difference? Well, we start talking about cops n' robbers fantasies as children. Thanks for stepping up, Steff. --fl]
Submitted by 505 (not verified) on Tue, 2005-12-06 11:59.
I agree with Steff that its a shame we have to justify our mind's inner workings. To me, a real sign of ethics and morality is realizing we have thoughts and ideas, dark and light, bidden and unbidden and being able to tell the difference and act accordingly in the best interest of others (and ourselves to a certain extent). Pure thoughts do not a moral person make, especially if they are embezzling for "god and country" or something like that. Give me a compassionate community supporting liberal kinkster anyday.
Anyway, at home, tired and a bit under the weather so perhaps I'm missing the point.
Don't we all fantasize about the darkest things in part because we need to cast a little light into that dark? See what really is there and by doing so, helping us to feel safer somehow.
XO
[Please don't think I'm asking *anybody* to justify anything, Goose! Instead I'm talking about clarification and education which at least to me seems very different. A number of sexual preferences are commonly mistaken for other more ominous acts, and for most of those there's a pretty good body of work explaining the differences. Looking at, say, the Leatherman's Handbook did for BDSM or The Joy of Sex did for vanilla (ok, french vanilla) did for straight people, it seems to me they weren't justifying what they discussed. Instead those books orient and instruct both the people who want to do those things and the people who encounter them doing it. Anyway, I'm just saying it's particularly perilous when consensual rape fantasies is both so popular and so closeted because the public's confusion puts victims of criminal assault at risk. I hope that makes sense. Thanks, Goose. --fl]