Pam Spaulding of Pandagon

NY Magazine: Married men on the down low

And we’re not talking about black men. David Amsden’s lengthy, interesting piece in New York Magazine, “Married Man Seeks Same for Discreet Play“ discusses the open closet, where men with families are pursuing same-sex desires with abandon because the Internet has made it easier to be on the down low. These men want a detection-proof double life that allows them to maintain public heterosexual privilege while they get their rocks off.

Subject line: “MM looking for other MM for side romance.” Text: Are you tired of playing games? I am. I’m looking for other married men who have always wanted to be with another man. Looking for someone in the same situation that can keep their home life at home but still have a separate life with me.

Mind you, these are not self-loathing closet cases or fundies; we’re talking about men who really want to have their cake and eat it too. 

She said it here.

Several of Spauldings commenters mentioned that this kind of thing — men who seek all the social, familial, legal, and economic benefits of heterosexuality while avoiding any of the stigma of bi- or homosexuality by keeping it all under wraps — creates all sorts of distortions. She promoted one commenter’s remarks to the main post:

This article underscores several facts: First, that masquerading as heterosexual, not marrying a same-gender partner, is what demeans traditional marriage. Second, that masquerading as heterosexual demeans Gay identity and distorts society’s perception of it. Third, that masquerading as heterosexual is an ultimately selfish act that can conceal contempt and hostility toward heterosexual spouses. Fourth, that masquerading as heterosexual reinforces heterosexism as a societal norm. Fifth, that Gay activists are crazy if they see someone’s “right” to be closeted as compatible with equality goals. The closet symbolizes deception, shame and fear, and none of those words are synonymous with pride.

Original comment appeared here.

Those five points seem about right to me. I’d add, however, that this kind of behavior distorts not only our images of bi- and homosexuality but also our images of hetero sexuality.

Trying to live a lie like that has to increase one’s temptation to exaggerate nominally “heterosexual” characteristics and express greater intolerance in hopes of passing. Also a temptation to adopt “for procreation only” arguments as a cover for non-preference distaste with one’s spouses. And never mind what impact such cover stories might have on one’s partner and her or his sexual enjoyment.

I think Pam’s correspondent is right about the total vacuity of a “right” to remain in the closet. Where “closet” isn’t necessarily the same thing as simply leading a quiet life. And of course “closet” means coverage, often hypocritical coverage, of all sorts of offenses. David Vitter closeted his serial infidelities by overemphasizing what he felt it meant to be faithful and advocating harsher punishments for infidelity. Ted Haggard closeted his homosexuality by preaching homophobia and magnifying what he felt it meant to be ruggedly heterosexuality. Randall L. Tobias hired prostitutes while heading the White House’s overseas efforts to discourage prostitution. And so on.

In each case the denial-inspired distortions introduced by these aggressively closeted individuals harmed not only those who openly belong to the closeted affiliations, and not only their no-doubt frustrated or beleaguered partners, but also — by holding up campishly high standards — members of the groups they sometimes frantically mimic.

The bottom line, then, is that even if they’re not “self-loathing” or “fundies” the men David Amsden interviewed aren’t really doing anyone a favor. Even a “I’m straight but some of my best friends are gay” masquerade serves no one.