So the other day I went skiing with my family. (Snowboarding, actually, my second day of lessons — pretty humiliating all in all though it was very nice of my six-year-old who’s been skiing for less than a week to offer to stay with me and “give you a push when you need one, Daddy.” Sure enough she did a couple of times, and sure enough it helped!)
Anyway, the shuttles to the parking lot are these open, hay-wagon style trailers with bleachers built into them. As we took off it reminded me of riding on a float in a parade so I said “ok, everybody, let’s do the Queen Elizabeth wave.” People thought it was pretty funny so there were 20-25 perfect strangers all trying to remember if you’re supposed to wave in tiny circles from your elbow or just your wrist. Then we started yakking about other beauty-pageant tricks like Vaseline on your gums so your face won’t cramp from smiling, and duct tape to keep your butt looking tight, and double-sided tape to keep your top on, and, and, and… (see here for plenty of other common “beauty” tips.)
And I was sitting there thinking “crikies, if you’re trying to look beautiful you have to put Vaseline in your mouth and duct tape on your ass? And spray your hair till it crackles if you turn your head too fast. And enough foundation to grow potatoes. And, and, and… all that to look “sexy,” I was thinking, but who on earth is going to want to have sex with you then?
It reminded me of something the perfectly presentable Magdelena mentioned in a post a couple of weeks ago
This stood in stark contrast to an experience in my early 20’s. Then I’d posed for a top pornographic photographer. Prior to the session, he gave me the once over and then rolled off a list of my faults to be corrected by clever camera work. I wanted to cry instead I posed stiffly, awkwardly.
So now what? Vaseline, spray adhesive, clever camera angles, clothes too tight to inhale in? All so you can look sexy? Cool! Good to know! Chances are very, very good that if you did all that you’d “finally” look “sexy” too. Too bad none of that works where it matters, because the more you do to look sexy the less you can be sexy. And you know what? You already look fine. In fact…
I like everyday sexy best. Leave the duct tape, waving in tiny circles, and pretence to the poor creatures on the parade floats.
[Here’s what I did last summer on the day of the parade. —fl]
Update: Just to be clear, I’m NOT endorsing the whole duct tape and vacuform approach to sexiness. I’m questioning how the hell we got the idea that these bizarre, can’t-be-achieved-without-duct-tape fabrications came to be the can’t-be-achieved-without-duct-tape standards we judge our own soft, warm, lickable, movable selves against. I’m just trying to point out how crazy we all are (me, you, everyone we know) to believe we’re inadequate for not looking like a lie. Just so you know. (Sorry if I got so sidetracked on the gruesome details of how those lies are constructed that my point was lost.)
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Wed, 2006-01-25 21:17.
i love this pic...so suggestive even though i dont think you are trying to be... :)
peace...
[Thanks, Monkey. I did take the photos so I could post them here but I also intentionally wasn't doing anything more than being me cleaning the porch in knockaround clothes. --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Wed, 2006-01-25 21:30.
This picture reminds me of a magnet I saw and something my mom friends talk a lot about. "There is nothing sexier than a man doing dishes." or once a mom said to her husband after he cleaned the kitchen: "Now, there's some foreplay!"
I am not sexy in the conventional sense. I would maybe get my breasts in some Jugs magazine, but there is just too much of the rest of me for most.
I still have problems believing birdman that he finds me very sexy. I think it is just so ingrained in us that we will never attain the perfection we should be striving for.
Oh, the pic is great too! Thanks for sharing such normal and very sexy pictures!
[Regarding perfection I think it's wonderful to have goals, even unachievable ones. There are a number of conditions though: If a goal is unachievable you have to recognize it; you have to recognize the goal is suitable (consider the once presentable Michael Jackson killing himself to look like Diana Ross!); finally, you have to be able to acknowledge progress rather than say "I'm not 100% there yet therefore I suck" and along those lines (my biggest HNT point) you *have to accept* that if other people say you look good *you look good* even if you want to look some other way. Thanks, Sweetpea! --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Wed, 2006-01-25 22:03.
YAY! This is one of my favorite pictures of you. Really, Fig. It's.. You're working in it, but it's fun, it feels almost playful.
Happy HNT!
[Thanks, DN! You totally understand! That's so great! People aren't their sexiest when they're scaffolded and puttied into immobility, they're sexiest when they're loose enough to be playfully alive. We're sexiest when we're not trying to be but ready and able to be. Thanks again! --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Wed, 2006-01-25 22:08.
yep, a man doing work around the house! VERY sexy :)
[Thanks, M! --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Wed, 2006-01-25 22:09.
Love this pic too. Don't even know why it is sexy. But it is. Kiss.
[Thanks, AAG. Kisses to you too. --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Wed, 2006-01-25 22:13.
Just when I am thinking maybe I should duct tape my ass up you say it's a bad idea.
You can come and work around my place anytime, Figleaf.
Happy HNT.
[Well... if you're into BDSM I suppose duct tape might still be a good idea. :-) But yeah, if already attractive beauty queens and cheerleaders feel they have to do it to look sexier then there's something very, very wrong with our definition of sexy. Thanks, Tess. --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Wed, 2006-01-25 22:16.
Well, it's gotta get cleaned right? LOL
[Right, Wenchy. Thanks. --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Wed, 2006-01-25 22:54.
Mmmmm.....yummy....verrry nice view!!!
Happy HNT!
[Thanks, Blondage! --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Wed, 2006-01-25 23:07.
This is so true. I like the everyday sexy beast as well. :) Great post. I love the photo of you here...Mmmmm!
Happy HNT!
[Thanks, Marie! It's not like it's not fun to play dress-up. It is! It's when we think that's the baseline that things start to get weird. --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Wed, 2006-01-25 23:23.
mmmmmm very nice view!
[Thanks, Sunny. --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Wed, 2006-01-25 23:34.
Yum! Lovin' the view!
Happy HNT! :)
[Thanks, Mama. --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Thu, 2006-01-26 04:25.
Love the photo...
[Thanks, April. --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Thu, 2006-01-26 04:26.
I always put Vaseline on my teeth so my lips wouldn't get stuck to them, not that I was a beauty queen but sometimes on stage you have to use some tricks.
Momma always says "Sexy is as Sexy does."
Wonderful photo, I so wanna climb on for a piggy back ride!
[Yeah, tricks for being on stage, under intense off-color lights, where the audience can be hundreds of feet away, then a lot of these things make sense. But in the theater we know it's, well, a fiction. We suspend disbelief! It only gets weird when we strive for similar artifice at home or, especially, in bed. Also, hop on top, cowgirl! Ee-ha! Thanks, X. --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Thu, 2006-01-26 04:27.
OH...and I meant to say in the previous comment before I got all distracted...;)...
that sexy is so much more than how you look.
[Thanks, April! --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Thu, 2006-01-26 04:29.
I just wanted to tell your readers that IF they try the gaffer/duct tape method of taping your boobs up, you are supposed to tack some of the stickiness off the tape by laying the tape (sticky side down) on a towel then rip it off and apply..Yeah I found this out the hard way.
[Yep, I learned about that when I was an apprentice leatherworker. (We'd sometimes use it for masking and if you didn't buffer it the top layers come off when you peel it away!) That stuff is more aggressively sticky than bikini wax (yikes!) Thanks X. --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Thu, 2006-01-26 04:40.
Somehow Fig, you manage to speak to the heart of it. The heart of insecurityand just wanted people to like you and like looking at you. Beauty and sexy are in the eye of the beholder and I am glad to know someone who sees the charisma beyond the physical being.
Nice jeans too. ;)
[Thanks, Boo. --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Thu, 2006-01-26 05:36.
Vaseline? Duct tape? All fantastic ideas to make you look good in clothes but I can only imagine the horror of trying to rip it all off in a hurry to get nekkid and discovering that everything's sagged or retreated to under your shoes!
Nice HNT pic, Fig!
[Yeah, Enigma. As long as you don't confuse dress-up with sexy it's fine. Otherwise disappointment is just... unnecessarily inevitable. And people look so nice without all that anyway. Thanks. --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Thu, 2006-01-26 06:35.
Once again, a very nice pic!!
Vaseline and duct tape, huh? Doesn't sound even remotely sexy or beautiful to me! And yet, yesterday when the hubby got home from work, I was amazed at his reaction to my old Levis, sweatshirt, boots with the ever present horse poop, and all my hair piled up and pinned. He asked where I'd been all dolled up!! I felt as gorgeous as a scullery maid, but I guess he liked what he saw. So much for needing those other tricks -- all it seems to take HERE is to look like a stable hand!!
[Notice how the language tricks us here? If a scullery maid is sexy all dolled up, she's sexy at the end of her shift. It's how you look when you're dressed, it's how you look *undressed.* And hair piled and pinned is an invitation to begin kissing by your earlobes and moving down as far as time permits, regardless. Finally, OMG I've met some sexy stablehands!!! --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Thu, 2006-01-26 08:09.
Nice photo!! I absolutely love being barefoot in the summer. I don't even wear shoes when I drive, yeah I know that is illegal, but I always have a pair in the passenger seat just in case!! Happy HNT and thanks for giving me a few moments of summer in the middle of my NY winter!!
[Thanks, Rebeckah! --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Thu, 2006-01-26 08:43.
Thought provoking as usual. Glad I started reading you. HHNT!
[Thanks, Andy! I'm glad you're reading too. I appreciate it. --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Thu, 2006-01-26 08:53.
Too funny!!! Happy HNT.
[Thanks, Happykap. --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Thu, 2006-01-26 09:44.
I love your post, and I so agree with you.....and that's what I like about HNT, we are all real, and that is good..no duct tape here!
Cool picture of your butt doing everyday stuff! Excellent!
Happy HNT
[Yeah, we're not fake, which isn't sexy, we're real, which is. Thanks, Susie! --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Thu, 2006-01-26 09:46.
Great pic!
I totally agree with you! NO to duct tape!!!
Happy HNT!
[Thanks, TG! --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Thu, 2006-01-26 11:18.
...sorry...I'm still stuck on your 'soft warm lickable' line....
If daydream lusting were nickles...well, you know....
[If daydream lusting were nickles the airlines wouldn't all be broke. If daydream lusting were nickles the airlines could all run "fly into each other's arms" promos. :-) If only...! Thanks, Mona. --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Thu, 2006-01-26 12:02.
I'm with you on "everyday sexy" winning out. I hate that so many of the people presented to us as sexual ideals look plastic. While I can do without warts and zits and whatnot, I have a very strong preference for the *real* in those I find sexy.
[Absolutely! It's not that we shouldn't try to look our best. We just don't need to look any better! Thanks, irReverend. --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Thu, 2006-01-26 13:29.
great post as always, and oh what a wonderful view!
Happy HNT!
[I'm so glad you enjoy it. I admit it made scrubbing the #@@$%~ porch a lot more enjoyable even though I only did what I would have done without the camera. Thanks, mergrl. --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Thu, 2006-01-26 13:29.
w00t! I agree completely, all those tricks just give a false sense of sexy. And that can be really damaging. Real is sexy.
Happy HNT
[Thanks, Phoenix! --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Thu, 2006-01-26 13:47.
For the sake of all that is good stop criticising what you don't understand. People are as they are. You don't even seem to realise what you are doing. I don't believe in hurling insults but you really make me feel like losing my temper towards you. I would love to give you a good kicking in the knackers. You must really have deep feelings towards me if you're not even prepared to beg or lose face.
[Um. Ok. --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Thu, 2006-01-26 14:18.
And spray your hair till it crackles? You can talk.
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Thu, 2006-01-26 21:51.
I've really loved reading all your tips... though I must admit that if I put them all into practice, I'd be wrapped up and covered in pillows from head to toe.
HHNT
[All I can say is let someone else decide if that's really true. It might be, but we're always the last person we should ask. :-) Thanks, Robin. --fl]
Submitted by 580 (not verified) on Sat, 2006-01-28 11:35.
Ooh, but as with all things, there is a time and place for duct tape... especially now that they make it in all sorts of fun colors!
c.p.
[Oh yeah, I bet duct tape's great. Just not *under* clothes. :-) Thanks CP. --fl]
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 2006-01-29 09:18.
I know you and I have talked about sexiness a million times now. I think that it's those normal daily things.
I am always blown away by the times I'm told I'm beautiful. Rumpled in the morning, staninding the backyard looking to the distance, a cup of tea in my hands. It's amazing.
Those comments, more then any others, have made me feel beautiful
[I'm always blown away that people are blown away when they're still sexy when they're not trying to be. In the morning you're sexy with rumpled hair, in the garden you're sexy with muddy knees, in the afternoon you're sexy drinking tea. Or not. Point is sexy's not a costume one wears, it's an essense of being. I'm glad you get that, A. Thanks. --fl]