Quick question based on Tristan Taormino’s column in The Village Voice about kissing. She makes the point that sex workers, for instance, avoid kissing in settings involving porn or prostitution because it’s seen as crossing an intimacy boundary.
Taormino refers to some evolutionary psychology studies that — surprise! — confirm all common stereotypes about kissing! But since mouth-to-mouth kissing is far, far, far from universal among human cultures (and therefore studies hoping to “unlock” genetic tendencies may be, um, silly) it might be a bit old fashioned but perhaps more interesting to do some plain old sociology and see whether such reluctance is innate or derived from, say, that scene in Pretty Woman.
But rather than carp about misapplications of science I’m actually posting with a question that, whatever its foundation, does pertain to kissing and intimacy and that would relate not to sex work but to hookup-style casual sex.
When I was at my most sexually active, even after you both agreed you were going to have sex kissing might go on for hours anyway before even the first garments were loosened. I keep hearing (generally from disapproving sources) that contemporary casual sex is just too rigid and formalized to permit much intimacy so…
Question: you meet someone on, I dunno, CraigsList or in a bar or in the cafeteria or the Minneapolis airport or something and you decide you’re going to have a nice pleasant sexual encounter but probably no further contact afterwards. So… how much time do you spend kissing in cases like that?
Me? I’d still want to kiss. Kiss in a friendly way at first, exploring, tasting, getting into each other’s spaces without too much intrusion, mainly just teasing each other’s lips and tongues rather than trying to plough each other’s tonsils… in other words to kiss till we’re both so warm clothes just seem like a bad idea.
Does that make me old fashioned? Or just less evolved? Or just flipping out of it if I think I even need to ask? :-)
Submitted by 1644 (not verified) on Mon, 2007-10-01 12:43.
I don't know much about casual sex, but I do know this: No matter how random or impersonal an encounter I might choose to have, I wouldn't fuck a guy who wouldn't kiss me. And not just a couple little pecks, but real, voluptuous, round, teasing, forceful, breathless, squelchy, moaning kisses. Even for a quickie. These are my standards and I'm stickin' to 'em (-;.
Submitted by 1644 (not verified) on Mon, 2007-10-01 11:30.
I still want the kissing, even with someone I've met for casual sex (and yes, been there, done that). That's one of the things I miss most about my husband's physical withdrawal from our marriage - kissing. If he just kissed me more often, I might not be looking elsewhere for physical affection.
[Yup. I'm always surprised when people say things like "well, we're too old for that now." Huh? Is it something about the phrase "making out like high-schoolers" that makes us think it's *only* for high-school? Thanks, Bunny. --fl]
Submitted by 1644 (not verified) on Sun, 2007-09-30 19:18.
I'm pretty much going with the thought of some others here where if I don't want to kiss them, why would I be fucking them? I suppose I'm either in for the whole deal or I'm not interested at all. I've noticed that few seem to capture my attention, but those that do.. well, they really do. ;D
And I just simply adore kissing.
There was nothing more flattering than when my boyfriend told me I am simply an excellent kisser. *swoon* I thought I was merely ok at it, but apparently I take such joy, such simple sensual pleasure, going from rough to teasing totally on a whim, always keeping him guessing, in a sense, at what I'm going to do next....
I do know we will certainly kiss for hours (or it seems like it) and, it is satisfying beyond belief.
Hehe.. especially when he makes those little uncontrolled sounds. *prrrrrs*
[Sigh! Thanks, Q. --fl]
Submitted by 1644 (not verified) on Sun, 2007-09-30 14:20.
I vote with the other 'If I do not want to kiss you I do not want to do anything else' people.
Lips are lovely.
[Yup. Thanks, J. --fl]
Submitted by 1644 (not verified) on Sun, 2007-09-30 00:18.
Quite a sad commentary on our sex culture - no kissing when a paid-for blow job is the point of the encounter, because KISSING is too intimate? That is seriously skewed. I simply can't imagine compartmentalizing sex that way.
Kissing is wonderful and yes, intimate. If the kissing is good the rest will be too. I can't imagine not wanting to do it, and as Darkneuro says, if I don't want to kiss them I don't want to touch them in any other way either.
[Well, on the other hand, when I was growing up blow-jobs were something that happened way, *way* after intercourse if it ever happened at all. Now they happen way, way before intercourse. So I dunno how things will ultimately pan out. (As long, of course, as oral "favors" go both ways I suppose it's ok whenever it happens.) I ought to add that I was just wondering if "hookup-artists" *did* feel that way about kissing, not suggesting they *do.* Thanks, Flora! --fl]
Submitted by 1644 (not verified) on Sat, 2007-09-29 14:34.
I'm a makeout queen, in every possible scenario: always have been, doubt I'll ever be anything but.
If forced to make a choice between a makeout session and genital sex? I'd pick making out, every time.
Also having been a casual sex lover for many, many years, I never left out the kissing: that's usually what's led TO the casual sex. I'm with Darkneuro, and yep, if I'm averse to kissing someone I'm averse to sex with someone.
Beyond simply loving it, I've also found over the years that in my personal sexual experience people who are lousy kissers and maker-outers tend to be lousy lovers overall (especially considering that I'm a mouth-and-hands kinda gal), so kissing has also long been my way to find out if I even want to sleep with someone in the first place. Bad kiss = no cookie. or nookie, as the case may be.
[Yup. Kissing kind of makes the world go 'round. I mean, even when one grabs a serious quickie or does role-playing or something and you don't kiss part of the fun of that comes from noticing the difference! :-) Thanks, Heather. --fl]
Submitted by 1644 (not verified) on Sat, 2007-09-29 06:44.
I don't know whether you're old-fashioned or less evolved, but whatever - that's me too!
[Great. Thanks, A. --fl]
Submitted by 1644 (not verified) on Sat, 2007-09-29 07:19.
What is the point of a one-night stand? Notch in the belt or to do what you enjoy? If you enjoy kissing, why wouldn't you kiss?
[I assume it's do what you enjoy, but some of the stories that come out about contemporary hookup culture (sort of reverse-prudery where it's ok to rub against each other but not to have breakfast later) might rule out all the other fun stuff. Like kissing. Thanks, Liz! --fl]
Submitted by 1644 (not verified) on Sat, 2007-09-29 06:22.
If I don't wanna kiss them, I don't wanna go to bed with them. It's one of the best preludes there is, and it can tell you a LOT about how that person will be in bed.
[Yeah, I have a feeling that that's how pretty much everyone's going to answer. Me too. Thanks, DN! --fl]
Submitted by 1644 (not verified) on Sat, 2007-09-29 06:36.
Love kissing! I agree, no kissing no anything else!
[Excellent outlook! Thanks, Avalon! --fl]