
Photo by Flickr user Mushroom boy. Used under a Creative Commons license.
Know how when you were a kid at some point you were sitting somewhere totally engrossed in a book, or game, or movie, or especially just daydreaming... just 1,000 miles away in your own world anyway... and someone, probably a grownup, would come by and say something like "sit up straight, honey, that can't be good for your back/neck/posture/whatever?" Or maybe they just said "at least close your mouth so the flies don't get in?" And even just dropping out enough to assess what they said, let alone sit up, or fly right, or close your mouth was usually all it took to knock you out of the dreamy, timeless place you'd been? And do you remember how much work it usually was to get back? Or that by the time you were back you'd slid back into whatever posture you'd been upbraided for, or your face had gone completely slack again? Funny how trying to please someone else's idea of how you should look when you're having a good time pulls you... right out of that good time.
Gwen of Sociological Images says
Brianna S. mentioned to me that the December issue of Cosmo has an article about whether you're making an attractive face when you orgasm. I googled "Cosmo make face orgasm," and found an image of the cover (notice the big "Your Orgasm Face" tagline next to one of Jessica Simpson's boobs) and a discussion of the article at Jezebel:
The implication ("What he's thinking when he sees it"), of course, is that if you're not careful, you might make an unattractive face while you orgasm, and that your male partner (because who cares what women's female partners think?) will be put off by it. It's female orgasm as performance. Cosmo is reminding us, in case we forgot, that a woman's sexual pleasure isn't really about her. Even while having an orgasm, she needs to be sure she looks attractive.
I can't help but think that if you're anxiously trying to monitor your facial expression, it might get in the way of you getting to have an orgasm at all. I wonder which would be preferable, then: having a real orgasm but with an ugly orgasm face, or faking an orgasm but making sure your face is under control.
This seems like a pernicious influence of porn, but even more so (and going way further back) of conventional movies, where a) the people on camera are nothing but trying to look their best for the camera. And if, as sometimes happens in porn, they actually are in "the zone" as when male performers are trying to perform a "money shot" the directors and camera operators direct the attention away from the often-necessarily-slack "O-is-for-effort" face.
Which is sort of a tragedy when you think about it. Because teasing a partner about his or her "O-face" isn't just knocking them out of their, well, O space(!!!) it's also totally deprecating the skill and effort you've put into helping them have one! And because being too self-conscious about your own O-face" isn't just knocking you out of or keeping you out of your O-space, it's deprecating the skill and effort your partner puts into helping you build it.
And seriously, this isn't about being afraid to cook because the kitchen might get dirty -- for most people cleaning the kitchen, however delicious the meal, is still a chore! It's more like being afraid to put cinnamon rolls in the oven for fear they might become puffy, and brown on the top, and sticky/gooey/bubbly on the bottom, and smell heavenly melted-buttery, and incredible tasting.
In other words it's about learning to get that our O-faces, and our partners', means things are happening perfectly.
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Hmm... there's obviously more to it than this but... I wonder how much of people's often very real enjoyment of rear-entry positions has something to do with not having to worry about revealing O-faces, with the result they're better able to just let go and enjoy themselves. I'm guessing probably not much but... well some people really do go home after sex rather than sleep with their partners for fear of being seen with "morning face."
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Submitted by 2527 (not verified) on Sun, 2008-11-23 13:39.
I haven't read the article, but there was a long discussion thread on the cover headline at Open Salon, mostly along the lines of your comments (though without the lovely cinnamon bun analogy ... mmmmmmm). Eventually someone who actually had seen the article weighed in and noted that it was relatively benign - apparently intended to reassure women that men *liked* their O-face.
But isn't it just typical of Cosmo that whatever the article's content, its headline fans women's insecurities! I mean, we all know that we're being lured to buy the magazine out of *fear* of what our partner might be thinking. And if the article is reassuring, well, then it's responding to a need that the cover headline helped create in the first place. Of course Cosmo is tapping into the way women's pleasure is viewed more generally in our culture: as something to be performed for a male partner's benefit and not just enjoyed authentically in its own right.
But I also think there's a vulnerability in orgasm that's not entirely reducible to social conditioning. For me, at least, there's an element of trust and intimacy in letting a man see me at that moment, naked in every sense, which I hope would be appreciated, enjoyed, and never treated casually or with contempt. I've never been teased (yikes!) but I've found it hurtful and bewildering when a partner does the disappearing act straightaway. I don't know about "morning face" - I think it has more to do with a general fear of intimacy or unresolved inner conflicts about one's boundaries, but that's all conjecture. I just know that even in a supposedly low-commitment situation, when I've allowed myself to be that naked and my partner's reaction was a rapid retreat, it has felt like a breach of trust. And I think this has to do with the vulnerability of having been seen with every defense down, exposed in every way.
Submitted by 2527 (not verified) on Sun, 2008-11-23 16:35.
I had a fetish photo shoot the other day, and at the end the photographer asked me if I wanted to get out a vibe and have an orgasm so he could photograph my face. I said, "sure," and did it, it was fun. I looked at the pics later and I looked totally goofy! HAHAHAAHAHAH
oh well, won't slow me down any!
And you should check out http://beautifulagony.com/public/main.php
porn featuring people having an orgasm - from the neck up. Really intimate and sexy.
Submitted by 2527 (not verified) on Sun, 2008-11-23 18:10.
You know, I've had sex a few times, and seen porn a few times, and I don't even remember what an "o-face" looks like or is supposed to look like. It doesn't seem that important.
Submitted by 2527 (not verified) on Sun, 2008-11-23 22:56.
Everything is a performance, Fig, in this world.
Being real, slipping off the carefully constructed mask might just blow too many minds.
We cannot have that!
(lol... my captcha code is 'question of' )