In an always interesting regular feature, Lo of Em & Lo: Sex. Love. And Everything in Between. runs a statement from a reader to a panel of three men to see how they respond.
“I really hate going down on guys. I’ve tried it, I don’t like it. In fact, I loathe it. I feel bad about it, but if I don’t expect oral in return (I don’t), then why should I feel compelled to do something I don’t enjoy?”
Yeah, feeling obliged to do something we hate during sex is just the best… um… way to… stay enthusiasti…
Um, no. That doesn’t really work, eh?
And, yeah, getting a blowjob from someone who’s half-hearted, hurried, and so not into it her mouth is cold is just such a… great feeli…
Um, no, that’s not so hot either.
I think the difference is that men have this idea that your no doesn’t mean “no, I don’t enjoy it,” it means “no, I’m holding something back.” Stupid I know. But since it’s just not true that “there’s no such thing as a bad blowjob” and since one of the best ways to get a bad blowjob is to pressure someone who isn’t into it in the first place then… it’s not about the physical sensation it’s about feeling like they’re somehow getting “all” of you.
Question is then do you really want to keep hanging out with a guy who thinks he’s getting more intimate with you by… pressuring and/or pining you till you do something you hate doing?
One of the panelists, identified as Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish), had an excellent point…
If you don’t like going down on guys, there’s absolutely no reason you should feel compelled to do so. However, there’s also absolutely no reason a guy should feel compelled to keep dating you if you won’t go down on him. You just have to find somebody who gets his kicks in other ways. The pool will be much smaller, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t, um, fish to be had.
...that goes even better in the other direction. Sure, if a guy thinks it’s his privilege that you go down on him then yeah, he doesn’t have to stay with you… but… you really want to stay with him?
There are actually plenty of men who won’t pass one up if offered but who don’t think a blowjob is the Holy Grail. So why waste your time (not to mention compromising the quality of your sexual enjoyment) on someone who does?
Another panelist, Straight Married Guy (Matt) took a more conventional line “But wouldn’t giving the occasional (special occasion) blowjob be a little easier than banking on these super longshot odds?”
Eh. While I think it’s a fairly common strategy, saving up something you really hate for special occasions probably isn’t going to make it that much more special for you.
Here’s the thing, and no, it’s not a secret back door ploy to get disinclined women go give blowjobs after all: for a lot of people, not just women, not just men, feeling obliged to do something is enough of a buzzkill threshhold that you never get to where you might not mind it or might even enjoy it.
I don’t know about women doing it for men so much but I’ve certainly heard men say they they eat their girlfriends only for something in return. And they hate that too. Meanwhile like a lot of other men** I think eating a partner is fun all by itself because even if it wasn’t pretty, and tasty, and intimate, and sexy it’s really cool when someone is writhing and shuddering and panting your name. And for people, men and women, if you’re just feeling resentful it’s hard to register any of that. All of which means that if Em and Lo’s correspondent finds a partner who’s just not that into being eaten it might give her enough space to enjoy it. And if not? No big deal.
[** Sabina of Y Tu Hermano Tambien has a good post on men who are into being eaten vs. men who’d rather eat their partners. —fl]