Dr. Kate of Gynotalk has a cool post from a woman she refers to as “Sexless in Seattle”

I am in a very happy monogamous relationship and I love my boyfriend very much. When we first got together, the sex was fantastic. We had it all the time and it was good. But since we moved in together, the sex life has slowed down. Here’s the problem: my boyfriend really isn’t interested in sex. We do still have sex, but not as often as I would like. When we do, it is fantastic, but it is rare when he comes. He does come both during intercourse and oral sex, but not always, and when he masturbates, he does come. Clearly my sex drive is higher, I’m 24 and he is only 23. Last night he said to me sometimes he worries why his sex drive is lower. He swears it isn’t me and this has always been the way with girls and he doesn’t like that I can’t just pounce on and get him turned on. Therefore we always have to go on his schedule because when he is horny, he is ready to go. Am I being totally oblivious and not realizing he has ED? I asked him if he thinks too much about it and if that’s the problem, and he thinks maybe that’s it, but he isn’t sure. He hates that he can’t keep up with my needs and I haven’t been complaining about it, but sometimes a girl just wants to get laid. I love him and am willing to work through it, but I just don’t know what to think. I don’t want to worry and I don’t want him to worry either, but is it normal for a young guy’s sex drive to be so low?

Read the rest of quote and Dr. Kate’s reply in context here.

Kate’s reply is pretty wonderful and gently iconoclastic. After listing the common reasons for loss of libido she says, basically, that he’s probably perfectly normal (but lower than her higher-than-his but also probably perfectly normal one.)

But the more likely answer is simply a lower libido. Decreased sex drive, while it’s usually thought of as a woman’s problem, affects up to one in four men. In the end, you and your boyfriend may have sex drives that don’t match…requiring a little creativity to figure out what will keep you both happy.

Yup. While we’re used to hearing about men, especially younger men, always in hot pursuit of their tired or “low libido” women partners, the reality is that for both men and women normal libido is still distributed on a bell-shaped curve. That means that even if on average (younger) men’s preferred frequency for sex was higher than their partner’s were on average… and even if men’s ease of orgasm was higher on average than women’s… then assuming plain old statistical distribution there’s going to be a healthy percentage of women and men who’s libidos balance contrary to social expectations.**

One quick nudge for Sexless in Seattle that harks to something we’re more used to hearing men say: there’s a huge difference between “less frequent sex in Seattle than I’d prefer” and “sexless in Seattle.”

As SiS said her partner comes from intercourse and oral sex, which implies that he is available for sex sometimes. And therefore she’s having a least some sex. Which, while perhaps frustrating for her is still pretty different from no sex.

Very cool of her to write in with her issue, though, and cool of Dr. Kate to give her a wider audience. Society is so pitched towards men chasing and women retreating that it takes a little courage to come forward when the shoe’s on the other foot.

The consequences of not discussing such “reversals” from constructed gender expectations only contribute to waaaay too many gender stereotyping Mars/Venus books but also leaves a lot of people, like SiS and her partner, convinced they’re the only one.

And just for the record they’re obviously not the only ones. The wonderful Shay of The S Spot (who uses teaser-only newsfeeds, a-hem) gives equally level-headed advice to a breathless reader with even stronger conventional expectations.

hi shay, Do all men have high libido’s and what is a normal level for a man?
I’m asking because my husband doesn’t seem to want to have sex as much as me and when i ask him if he wants to have sex he almost always says no which is a shocker to me cuz i thought all guys said YES to sex no matter when or were lol and i guess I’m just use to all the guys who want sex 24-7 i mean most guys i know or have dated want sex like 4to 5 times a day or more if they can get it lol. but he only wants sex like maybe 1or 2 times a week and i would like to have sex like once day that would be great! is there something wrong with him i mean he’s only 22 and I’m 21 and we’ve only been married for 2 1/2 years.

Read the rest of the quote, and Shay’s excellent answer, here.

Once again it’s really nice to see these issues get aired out.

[** The contrary-to-perception imbalance grows as couples get older, with heterosexual men on average slowing down sooner than on average their partners. —fl]