This week’s question for Em & Lo’s Wise Guys feature is “Is sex with a condom really all that bad?”
As usual the answers vary but the consensus tends to be… not all that bad, no, but not so great either. Reasons given by this week’s Wise Guys (disclaimer, I’m an occasional Wise Guy for Em & Lo) vary, as do those by men and women in comments. I was glad to see that some men are starting to be willing to talk about one that’s probably really important but not often discussed.
One downside of condoms I keep hearing about privately but not so much in open discussion is loss of erection. I’ve had a vasectomy, and been pretty much in long-term “fluid bonded” relationships, since just before concerns about HIV emerged so I don’t actually have a lot of experience with condoms. But even when I was an… um… perpetually upstanding young man it took a lot of gear-shifting to unwrap and properly put on a condom, and between the mental distractions, the time spent, and the fact that putting one on necessarily means you’re thinking about myriad consequences if something went wrong I’d often shrink to a point where penetration became difficult.
And since, as I discovered decades later, it’s actually not just me it would be very nice if there was more, and more open, discussion of the effect.
I’m guessing it’s an even bigger problem for men who already have other problems getting and keeping erections.
This isn’t to say I’m complaining about condoms, just that I’m guessing that at least part of male discomfort with the things comes not from the (ahem) straight-up loss of sensation but surprise or dismay about flagging, however briefly, when standard narratives about masculinity says it’s least supposed to happen. So, I guess, instead of complaining about condoms (which is pretty common) I’m complaining about the standard myths, narratives, and procedures involved in getting it on, and keeping it on, while putting it on. :-)
Again, obviously it’s not a problem for every man but it’s evidently a problem for quite a few of us. A little help with that would be handy.
For the record, for me anyway, if and when (usually when) my erection returned intercourse with a condom isn’t so less pleasant than intercourse without that I’d rather do without.
Submitted by 3090 (not verified) on Wed, 2009-07-29 18:27.
I've noticed this problem with my partner when we try to have intercourse - there's been times where I was actually ready & comfortable but it was so difficult to get a condom on him, that by the time we got it on, he wasn't fully erect anymore. So we didn't have intercourse. Which is okay, since we did other things & added pressure is just, added pressure which doesn't help.
I'm thinking that different brands are going to be more or less difficult to get on - have you tried the polyurethane condoms or just latex & lambskin ones from back in the day? The polyurethane ones, I find that the Avanti ones are really hard to get on. It wants to stick to itself. Like I have a hard time getting them onto a dilator when I'm alone. But the newer Skyns - those slide right on.
Unfortunately I may not be able to use the Skyns... I have a sneaking suspicion that they may be contributing to these stubborn infections I'm fighting. Didn't have any health problems with the Avantis though. I really need to e-mail the manufacturers & ask what kind of lubes are on them.
And then there's the whole issue of, well it may not be "As good" for a male partner, but I don't know how I'm going to tolerate skin-on-skin contact if I go to have intercourse without a condom. I'm apprehensive about when it's time for me to get pregnant since the condoms smooth everything over. Less friction is better for me.
Submitted by 3090 (not verified) on Thu, 2009-07-30 11:36.
K - I've actually found the opposite, that condoms increase the friction and are less comfortable. So don't worry about it. When you want to get pregnant just buy a bottle of lube and you'll be fine.
Submitted by 3090 (not verified) on Thu, 2009-07-30 12:46.
Eh, as the resident patriarchal jester, I'll take a stab at this one: in my younger, more able, fluid-bonded days (during which, coincidentally, I was also able to "top" more than now) I really enjoyed going without condoms. Now that I'm older, less able, and either with partners who can't use hormonal contraception or simply WILL NOT give up the condoms despite fluid-bonding and effective hormonal contraception, it confirms my view of (strictly safe) straight sex as (inevitably, for the male libido) an invitation to disaster if one is running a strictly P-in-V paradigm. I mean, I suppose I could run a course in Angry Gimp Sexuality--since, yes, it's a bigger issue for men with erectile issues--are we discussing work-arounds, like a more holistic sexuality, or just noting the nudge from nature and how it impacts us in the current narrative of masculinity? And if the temptation is to ditch the condom, and that response is a priori excluded, how does the discussion help, except perhaps to create a community among those facing this particular challenge? "Yes, you don't 'measure up', but it doesn't MATTER" isn't too cheering, even when it really DOESN'T matter. How do we ditch Standard Western Masculinity?
[Actually while current technology makes ditching condoms highly inadvisable I don't think it's at all necessary to be defeatist about it. Or complicated. Or non-erotic. Or an interruption. For instance it could be as simple as adding "wrap your hand tight and low around the base while your partners rolls it on" to the standard narrative of using condoms during sex. And while I think there are myriad problems with Western Masculinity (including, for instance, "a real man is always ready and never, ever soft" standard!) I don't think it's necessary to ditch it to get what I'm looking for. Thanks,ES. --fl]
Submitted by 3090 (not verified) on Thu, 2009-07-30 16:13.
I was with my wife for 18 yrs before we started swinging (and I was a virgin when she and I met), so I had damn near zero prior experience with condoms. It was a bit of a blow to the old ego when I had several instances of losing my erection with a new partner. Now, a year later, it's not so much an issue. Sure, sometimes there is a little, uhm, issue, but for the most part my other partners have understood that it comes with the territory, so to speak, and we usually manage to work past it.
["for the most part my other partners have understood that it comes with the territory..." Perfect! That's all I'm talking about, Hubman. Just making it part of the story instead of trying to wallpaper it over and pretending it can't happen or, worse, that if it *does* happen it means something's *wrong!* And not to sound too subtle or indirect, I've just got this feeling that the volume on the "feels like a raincoat" recording might get turned way down because I think that's an easier excuse than "I'm afraid I'll lose my erection." It won't turn the volume all the way down because it *is* a little bit like that. But not all that bad once... or if... you get going. Thanks! --fl]