Anastasia of Sexualité mentions what may (or may not) be a trend that’s getting way less attention than women auctioning their virginity on eBay.
Just as there are women auctioning their virtue, there are women that are paying professionals to be deflowered.
I can see the positives of paying a male escort for that very first time. If I recall all the sex surveys I’ve read over the years, the first time is a so-so event. Disasters outweigh the triumphs; the disappointment can be a shock, influencing one’s view of sex – until they have a better experience.
Professional sex workers are just that – professional. While paid sex may not compare to ordinary sex, it may be good for that first time. I think if you have a good first sexual experience, you’ll expect more of the same or have an idea of what works and what doesn’t. A crap experience is something else.
Growing up it was a bit of clicé for older men to deprecate the “fumblings” of “snot-nosed punks” when assessing… well… the asses of attractive young women. In favor, not surprisingly, of “old bulls” who “knew what they were doing.” Said snot-nosed punks were supposed to be taken to a brothel to be “broken in.” Nobody considered that, gee, maybe if young men weren’t supposed to be, or more often pretend to be “broken in,” and maybe if young women weren’t, or weren’t supposed to pretend to be passive and ignorant then maybe they could work out the details, you know, together!
Shocking I know. As Scarleteen’s Heather Corinna says, though, the benefits of mutual fumbling are terribly underrated — unless you think you have something to prove… and maybe if you don’t think it’s “supposed to hurt” then getting there together can be kind of fun. Not to mention a whole lot more egalitarian.
But still, if collaboration between equals is one way to take control of a situation tradition says should be the domain of men then, perhaps ironically, yeah, hiring someone you’re confident can be competent and (at least professionally) courteous would be another.
[Note: I object so strongly to the current construction of transactional sex as currently constructed not because it’s selling sex — I don’t have a problem with that — but because it’s so unilaterally gendered: men desiring sex, women desiring compensation. See also The Oldest Profession Nobody Wanted. Therefore the idea of some women preferring to hire sex professionals not just to “break them in” but because they themselves would be more likely to enjoy it seems like a qualitative rather than quantitative development. (See also the last chapter of Pepper Schwartz’s Prime. —fl]
Submitted by 2542 (not verified) on Sat, 2008-11-29 07:58.
I don't usually think this way, but: ew. This seems like something you'd regret.
I lost my virginity to a snot-nosed punk who was losing his at the same time; it was awkward and painful and terrible and I'm glad I did, for the same reason that I'm glad I took a three-day hike in the rain to a place I could've driven to in an hour.
I feel like losing your virginity with someone who's guaranteed to be (relatively) perfect is cheating at a rite of passage, is not avoiding needless trauma but buying your way out of the slings and arrows of growing up. Anyway you'll go through the fumbling anyway the first time you have sex with a "real" person.
(Also, if you're old enough and level-headed enough to hire an escort so you don't get a bad initiation into sex, it seems like you'd be mature enough to educate yourself and put your first time into perspective anyway.)
(ReCaptcha: to loneliness)
[I probably wasn't clear enough in my main post but I agree on both your main points, Holly. But that's just expressing *my* preference. Some people seem really into managing their own stuff exactly the way they want it, though, and while I might not think it's necessarily healthy I'd be drawing the line *way* before hiring an escort. I hope that makes sense. --fl]
Submitted by 2542 (not verified) on Sat, 2008-11-29 09:34.
My first time was with a fellow first-timer, and it didn't suck and wasn't painful. In fact, it was a lot of fun -- enough so that I was sad when it was over. We'd been working toward the first time for quite a while, and probably had more time when we knew we wouldn't be disturbed than most young couples have.
Still, while I can't imagine doing it myself, I don't see what's wrong or regretful about the idea of hiring a pro, or at least an experienced person, as your first. Maybe that's because I don't see it as a rite of passage or slings and arrows, and maybe that's because for me, it wasn't at all unpleasant or awkward. It was fun and sweet and, well, over sooner than I wanted it to be.
If anything, the idea of hiring an older guy or a pro just doesn't make sense to me because I know that the first time can be fun without having to go through all that extra effort. But if the first time has been so overblown by people talking about how painful and awkward it is, then sure, go ahead, find a way to get around that crap. If anything, it's being insightful enough to see the evidence that's been presented (women talking about how awful their first time is) and acting to make your experience better. That seems pretty smart to me, although I think it would be even better if most teenage boys had done their research and cared about their partner's pleasure to the extent that my first did.
[Thanks, Monique. You've said it about as well as I could have. There's nothing wrong with it even though I agree there are other, equally non-high-pressure, non-traditional ways to do it. --fl]
Submitted by 2542 (not verified) on Sat, 2008-11-29 20:54.
Given that the real thing that was memorably bad about my first time wasn't the pain, but the being broken up with right afterwards, I don't think using a professional would have been an improvement.
Mutual fumbling with someone who's willing to keep fumbling till you both get it right sounds great to me - much better than a skilled person that I'd never see again.
[Agreed. I think the key, though, was the *mutual* part. I've mentioned elsewhere, and hinted in this post, that what still happens a lot, what's still too often the *expectation* is that a) it's the man's "job" to know what to do and b) it's *supposed* to hurt the woman. It doesn't necessarily have to hurt, and as Holly hinted even if it does it's ok if you're actively involved. I think I've also mentioned elsewhere that one of the false premises of conventional prostitution is that there's no alternative (reinforced, of course, by the labels tradition painfully staple to women who have sex just to enjoy it instead of for virtue, or children, or money or any reason *other* than because you enjoy it.) I'd have that same concern about women who sought out sex-workers as well. But me believing it isn't, or, more realistically, shouldn't be that way doesn't mean I think other people oughtn't make that decision for themselves. Thanks, Lynn. --fl]