Holly of The Pervocracy, in another bout of what she calls Cosmocking, takes Cosmopolitan magazine to task for, as always, warning women to put us men first, foremost, and always lest our rock-solid faith in the “no-sex” class paradigm be shaken. For instance, from an article in the January issue called “Surprising Things that Turn Him Off”
Being Kinky in Bed (At First)
There’s nothing wrong with showing enthusiasm. But when it comes to off-the-wall sexcapades, setting the bar—or stripper pole—too high the first few times can make guys wonder what else you have in common with Jenna Jameson. “It feels weird to say it out loud, but I really don’t want a girl to be completely uninhibited in bed when I first start sleeping with her,” says Jon, 27. “I like to feel like we discover some stuff together and then work up to the really experimental stuff.”
I’m actually about halfway with Jon here—it’s awesome to discover new ways to have fun together—but only if you’re actually discovering them. If you’re just biding your time as you reel out the tricks you already knew, it’s not experimentation, it’s pretense.
Yup, nothing makes us men less comfortable than imagining what might consider “experimental stuff” she thinks is practically passé. (Note: consider that sex manuals from the 50s and early 60s considered both woman-on-top intercourse and any kind of oral sex “experimental” for both women and men.)
Remember that one of the peculiarities of men’s self-induced no-sex class indoctrination says men should expect (and, according to Cosmo anyway, even demand) a “no” from women… and thus to keep asking (no condom this time?), and asking (anal?), and asking (threesome?) till we get one. And since men, too, have comfort zones we’re kind of hoping to get to that “no” before we get out of ours (uh… threesome… with your *dad?!?!) The great thing about kicking that indoctrination, by the way, is there’s no advantage to “pushing” anybody’s boundaries just to see how far they’ll go before saying no. And here’s the deal with that: if you’re not “experimenting” to see where one’s partner’s “no” is you can actually experiment, together no less, to see what you both really enjoy doing together!
Way to be, Cosmo.
Submitted by 2594 (not verified) on Tue, 2008-12-30 18:41.
I kind of enjoy the type of seduction of the innocent that men are supposed to relish. It's fun to introduce a partner to new stuff, and it's fun to push a partner's boundaries. (Of course, there are important ethical issues with consent and boundary-pushing, but I think that it is possible for somebody to meaningfully consent to something that they are uncomfortable about, provided the consent is because they get off on discomfort and not because they're under any kind of pressure.)
That said, you would have to be really entitled to conflate "I like seducing the innocent" with "I demand that my partner be innocent, or pretend to be innocent when they're not".
Also, it wouldn't kill some men to switch once in a while. Or at least entertain the possibility of switching.
[Hey, P, happy almost New Year! Yes, I completely agree that the key is distinguishing between "I like..." on the one hand or "I demand...!" Because I *like* introducing partners to things, but started having (at least) twice as much fun when I finally learned that partners can introduce me to things as well. Or, putting it another way, it's not that men or women ought to entertain the possibility of switching, it's that the possibility of switching is entertaining! Thanks! --fl]