In a completely different context a commenter said “I think there is a bit of a double-bind in the fact that masculinity is WHOLLY performative, at least among heterosexuals…”
It’s certainly true that when it comes to sex the gender construct of “masculinity” is, indeed, wholly performative. Which, I think, is why blowjobs are such a hot button for some people. To receive a blowjob is almost wholly passive. People who philosophically oppose blowjobs therefore are upholding the conventional construction of masculine gender.
This in turn is problematic because, often, those for whom blowjobs are a huge issue are often those for whom the gender construction of masculinity is an issue as well. See the startling-to-millions-of-gay-men-let-alone-women contention that fellatio can be safely performed only under hypnosis. Yes, for a lot of people experience says that’s pretty silly, but then chances are that those who’ve experienced either giving or receiving fellatio are less offended by breaches of masculinity’s wholly performative mandate.
(And not to go too far afield here but I wonder if the problem isn’t a held-over conviction from the 1970s that masculinity must be performative because then the right quantity of pressure, shame, “sex strike,” or perhaps with just the right insight, wholly performative men can simply decide to stop performing gender oppression. And that, in turn, would be convenient because one could then luxuriate in the stereotypical gender passivity of disappointment and “blaming.” But I digress…)
The trick, of course, is to alter the narrative so that fellatio is seen for what it normally is: performative acts conducted on passive, non-performative men, people who often as not who performative as well as social, tactile, and erotic enjoyment from it when they do. And it is a bit of a trick, part of which involves little things helping the recipient get that “if I try to comfort myself or try to regain control by grabbing her head or thrusting she’s going to decide to do something else. That isn’t fellatio.”
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Just for the record, while I’ve always enjoyed cunnilingus, and even fantasized about it before I really understood exactly how PIV intercourse worked, I found I enjoy performing it on a whole new level once I learned to feel comfortable letting someone perform fellatio on me. Recognizing that others enjoy doing to me what I enjoy doing to them… recognizing that “wholly performative” or “wholly receptive” cuts us off from half the world of experience… opened my eyes in a way I think others might enjoy opening theirs.
[Caveat: The accompanying below-the-fold photo is topic-appropriate but entirely not work safe. —fl]
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Submitted by 1996 (not verified) on Sun, 2008-03-09 09:04.
Love the pic fl, it's revealing yet teasing; posed yet candid :)
On the subject of oral sex I, like you, find receiving it to be a much more fulfilling experience now I also give it. I am not a fan of the 'thou shalt give me blowjobs' mentality a lot of guys have - nor the pushing down of the givers head - as I think this adds an unpleasantly degrading angle to an otherwise tender sex act (unless it's part of a roleplay of course)
Plus I think the 'if you want to receive you should give too' rule is quite a smart one to live by with oral.
My partner finds receiving oral sex a little hard to relax into sometimes as he is so used to being so very active in terms of foreplay, he is so used to being 'performative'. What we are trying to work into our sex life is a more equal 'foreplay is for both of us' mentality rather than relying on the societal idea that foreplay is to 'warm me up', which despite our very equal partnership is a role we slip into all too easily - with him as 'giver' and me as 'receiver'.
I guess it goes to show that however we try and live (and love) equally the expectations of society are often deeply rooted.
[Hey Virago! Yeah, it's really, *really* hard to climb off the imperitive to perform! Or, more accurately, to open up to letting someone else do something for you. (Actually it's sort of that way for both genders though perhaps due to different socializations.) So in terms of the kind of... of... *therapy?* I'm thinking about it's really critical, not to mention courteous, for men to successfully *not* attempt to gain or regain control. --fl]
Submitted by 1996 (not verified) on Sun, 2008-03-09 14:26.
Speaking of performative, I wouldn't mind performing on you. Hot pic!
I have a long history of struggling to be ok with blowjobs. I absolutely loathe being asked for them. There is something deeply disturbing to me about a man who needs to place his penis in my mouth -- my mouth that is the sole source of my nourishment, of my communication, and for all intents and purposes of my air intake.
On the other hand, I actually quite enjoy the act if I have initiated it.
I'll also point out for the record that Latin has two terms for penis-mouth contact. There is the "fello" that we are familiar with from fellatio, in which the male is the passive and the mouth is the active. And then there is "irrumo", which occasionally pops up in pre-20th century poetry as irrumatio, in which the male has the active role and the mouth is the passive.
Irrumo was used in Priapic poetry as well as grafitti as a verb of subjugation, whereas fello didn't automatically have the pejorative meaning.
[That's great, IS! I knew terminology in other languages distinguish active from passive versions. Both are fine if undertaken consensually and in good faith. But only the former subverts the performative-male paradigm. Also, yeah, I totally know what you're saying about choosing vs. being asked. It's like... like who wants someone else determining or taking undeserved credit for your action? Thanks. --fl]
Submitted by 1996 (not verified) on Sun, 2008-03-09 20:27.
I think you might find this post interesting
Hugo and I don't share much when it comes to faith, but he writes very thoughtfully on gender issues. He's not always right IMO (who is?) but he is always interesting.
[Hey, thanks for the link VM. It's really appropriate. --fl]
Submitted by 1996 (not verified) on Mon, 2008-03-10 06:38.
Hm, yeah, if my partner grabbed my head or started to thrust violently, that would be the end. On the other hand, I like when he holds my hair away from my face (hair in my mouth during oral sex is not good) and gentle thrusting is ok ;-). Of course, other women feel entirely differently than I do. Oh, and I do like doing it. I fantasize about it, actually.
[Yup. The details don't matter so much as getting recognition for *who's got agency.* Thanks, Mag. --fl]
Submitted by 1996 (not verified) on Wed, 2008-03-12 10:00.
Great post, and I appreciate Vir Modestus linking to mine. As I work on revising my lectures on the male body and sexuality for my humanities course this semester, this sort of reflecting you do is very helpful.
[Thank you, Hugo! --fl]