Earlier this week Amber of Being Amber Rhea asked
The short answer to the question, “Can a sex act be liberating?”
Breaking with an imposed standard that feels oppressive in order to move toward being true to oneself (instead of trying to live up to outside expectations) is extremely liberating, no matter what it is.
I wrote that in a comment at Bitch|Lab and was so pleased with my sudden, unexpected eloquence that I figured I’d post it here, too. More to come.
Can an act of sex can itself be liberating? I’d say probably not. In the technical sense of the word liberation comes from the act of creating a space within which one may engage in subsidiary acts. Following that reasoning, by the time you engage in a particular act of sex the liberation has probably already taken place.
For a not-strictly-sexual example consider Amber’s decision to take a pole-dancing class. Is the act of taking the class liberating? No. That’s just moving into a space created by self-determination. Self-determination is liberating, choosing to take the class is just a choice within that possibly-newly-liberated space. I think the same would be true for sex acts.
Nerd note: The origins of the words liberty, liberal, liberation, etc. derive from a term meaning “within or between walls.” There’s an implication of self-determination in the word. For instance when you say “I’m not at liberty to discuss” something you’re implying participation whereas if you said “I don’t have the freedom to discuss…” you’re implying coercion. In practical terms “your right to swing your fist ends at my face” is a statement about liberty, as are all statements of rights. If you instead have freedom to swing your fist then I have no recourse but to duck or accept a broken nose. It’s worth noting that the Presnit, however stupid his outward behavior, understands perfectly the distinction between freedom and liberty. It’s tragically clear which way he swings.
Submitted by 814 (not verified) on Wed, 2006-06-28 18:37.
i agree that a sexual act cannot be inherently liberating - but that doesn't mean that sometimes it requires the act before one can reach the point of liberation.
for instance, until i actually gave a blowjob, i was pretty crippled with concerns about 'nice girls,' et cetera. even after i decided to do it, i didn't really believe that someone wasn't gonna find out and smite me until after i'd performed the act and found that there were no big bad consequences. hence, the act was liberating - it made me feel less afraid, less constrained, more liberated. just thinking about 'well, maybe blowjobs aren't bad' wouldn't have done it.
[Rather than try to unstick the rust from my Hegel and other dead German phenomenologists I'll say... good point, A. :-) Thanks. --fl]
Submitted by 814 (not verified) on Wed, 2006-06-28 19:29.
I'd say that in some ways it's all in one's head, making new thought spaces, accepting new things, but often we have to encounter a little disequalibrium before we can accept our new-found liberties.
Until you actually do a certain thing it's always going to be a nagging thing as to whether it's something you can do.
[I totally get that, Colette. Of course the first time you do something is the first time you make a liberty real as opposed to in principle. Thanks. --fl]
Submitted by 814 (not verified) on Wed, 2006-06-28 20:59.
i have to agree with the 2 previous commenters. i do so partly because we are so adept at self delusion. 'i can stop smoking/drinking if i want. i really am a brave/smart/capable person. i am confident enough to try position/manuever/toy/partner x y and z.' ok, but talk is cheap.
[So a consensus is building that it's not enough to imagine, nor wonder, nor announce, it's necessary to a thing to make it real. I'd be rude to hold out for something more abstract. Thank you, Lime. --fl]
Submitted by 814 (not verified) on Wed, 2006-06-28 21:39.
I would have to agree with you fig, when you say that it's probably not the act itself that is liberating. Because for me, it is the decision I make before participating in certain sexual acts, that gives me the feeling of liberation. For some people (like me) it can be a huge step to come out of a comfort zone long enough to just 'decide' to try certain things. The sexual act itself is always very exciting, but making the decision to cross certain lines is always more liberating. For me anyway...
Sage :)
[Oh thank you, Sage. People have a point, though, that unless you act on it it's only talk. But I'm so glad you see what I was trying to say. --fl]
Submitted by 814 (not verified) on Thu, 2006-06-29 05:56.
Can an act of sex can itself be liberating? I'd say probably not. In the technical sense of the word liberation comes from the act of creating a space within which one may engage in subsidiary acts. Following that reasoning, by the time you engage in a particular act of sex the liberation has probably already taken place.
I do not agree. Imagining an act, making the decision to perform the act, and making the necessary preparations to actually experience the act: these are necessary steps in the process of liberation. But belief is grounded in experience, and the experience is the final phase, a consummation, if you will, of my intent and action. I will not be truly liberated until I experience the act.
Can one believe without experience? Of course, multimillion dollar enterprises as well as major religions are based on unsubstantiated beliefs.
Imagining an act that I have never performed may help me perform it. Imagining the act can serve as a ritual to give me the boost of self-confidence to break through my inhibitions. But no matter how much I prepare or imagine, the belief (that I am liberated) is tenuous until I experience the act.
[Ok, so now that I've slept on this (after first *not* being able to sleep on it) I'm pretty sure I could explain why I was talking through my hat (or out of my ass) but it doesn't change that I was talking through my hat. In particular I was totally confusing thought from action (not to mention theory from practice.) I do still believe there are preciptating acts (acts and not just thoughts or intentions) that create/liberate space for further action. But those further acts can themselves be liberating as well. Now I need more coffee. :-) Thanks Kochanie. --fl]
Submitted by 814 (not verified) on Thu, 2006-06-29 08:43.
Here's what I wrote as a response in my comments section:
While I absolutely agree that the act by itself can't be called liberating, I also don't think it's completely accurate to say simply, "self-determination is liberating" and leave it at that. Sure, I can have a feeling of self-determination; that is great and not to be undervalued; but if I do nothing differently in my life as a means of actualizing (probably not the best word, but I couldn't think of a better one at the moment) that self-determination, then I'm just spinning my wheels.
[Yeah, "self-determination" sounds Jack-Handy, happy-thought vague. Rather than trying to work it out here I'm going to put it out in another post. In a nutshell I need to reconcile this idea with my nearly contradictory, and equally strongly felt, notion of marriage (for instance) as a continuous act and not just a single event. Stay tuned. (And chances are it won't hurt anyone else's brain as much as its hurting mine.) Thanks for pushing back, Amber, and everyone else. I can't say how much I appreciate it. --fl]
Submitted by 814 (not verified) on Fri, 2006-06-30 19:36.
The thought gives meaning to the action.
The action gives life to the thought.
[I think you're right. Thanks, R. --fl]