I ran across this interesting insight while browsing Cat’s old blog.
I decided to not link to one particular blog that I read on occasion, mostly because every time I read him, I become furiously angry at his lack of communication skills. He is married, with a wife and kids. He’s not getting any and is getting more and more frustrated. However, he REFUSES to talk to his wife about this problem and just rants – getting more and more angry with each post.
His last post just about did me in – he is convinced that a book he has read will solve the problem…a book that sounds frighteningly like a Promise-Keepers crap (you know, "it’s god’s will that the man is here and the woman is there and that’s the way life was meant to be" blah blah blah)...he has decided that his wife wants him to be more of a Dom and take control (of her).
Many problems with this in my opinion…one, he hasn’t actually TALKED to his wife about this so he actually has NO fucking clue as to what she wants! Another major problem is that he wants to be a Dom…well, he seems to just want his wife to be more submissive (not quite the same thing).
Sadly, I don’t think he sees the difference. If he’s too cowardly to TALK to his wife, then he won’t be an effective Dom; and, if he too blind to see that a D/s relationship is VERY different then the "man" simply "being more manly", then he won’t make a very responsible Dom.
Cat was probably referring to the author of the now largely lapsed Suburban Sex Blog who seems to have absorbed the message. One of his last, he says
I guess this blog sucks now that I’m getting laid again and things are good with Nicky and I. ... It’s been fun too, not the same old sex that we used to have. I credit your comments and this blog to it all. I needed to change my thinking, and together, we did it.
I think that’s about right. Communication helps.
Not that doing something about it is as easy as saying you should, especially if you’ve been quiet with each other about sex so long enough it’s become a habit.
On the other hand, if you’ve been sitting around wishing instead of doing then you’ve got the time to introduce the matter slowly. Or to bring it up rashly (though not angrily) on the assumption that since silence isn’t working anyway, expressing your wishes probably won’t make things worse.
I should repeat that one thing you can’t do is unilaterally vent — almost everyone I’ve spoken to on the "up-hill" end of the frustration circuit also wishes things were different, and as long as they don’t see you as contemptibly unfair, resentful, or unreasonable they’re probably willing to try and work something out. Popping your cork in the face of possible sympathy risks a one-way trip into contemptability.
I’ll have more to say about this later. For now I’m just saying it’s worked for me.