Based on a Cameo I’d like to follow up on a semi-controversial post from last week, Steff’s sharp insight and memories of that personal finance class I’ve got to ask that question again: what isn’t available to you now that you could have if you finally lost that weight, or grew that cock, or shrank that nose, or broadened those shoulders, or tightened that butt, or lost that bald spot, or, or, or…
Would you be qualitatively different? Would you suddenly be satisfying in bed? Totally confident about your looks? Better able to enjoy sex? Romance? Conversation?
Anyway, Cameo said “Sexy is a state of mind, not a state of body.”
What I think you’re saying is that it’s not that things like size or status or finances don’t matter at all, it’s that we believe that sexiness is strictly dependent on those externalities.
Put it this way. I have an acquaintance who’s having serious problems with a partner not because he’s poor as a church mouse but because he tells here over and over he isn’t a good partner because he’s broke.
He makes every failing and every falling out about money. He’ll do things like pick flowers for her and say he had to because he couldn’t pay for “real” ones. That is driving her crazy!
See what I mean? We generally think of picked flowers as more considerate than store-bought ones but his self-absorption about money robs her ability to appreciate his gift. Imagine the conversation.
She: “Oh, you picked me flowers! You’re so wonderful!”
He: “No, I’m not, I only picked them because I couldn’t afford a real bouquet.”
Nice work, Romeo! Does it matter to her that he’s broke? Well, sure, a little, but she’s a student too and just as broke as he is. Does it matter that it matters so much to him? Oh yeah, that’s killing their relationship.
Now translate that to someone saying “You look great in that outfit!” “No I don’t, my boobs are too small” or “No I don’t my butt’s too big.”
The point being that yes, our flaws — real or imagined — matter. The really crucial question is “matter most to whom?”
Submitted by 768 (not verified) on Wed, 2006-05-24 13:11.
i know you've called me on self-deprecating remarks/inability to accept a compliment in the past and you were right and i appreciate. i have to admit part of my tendency self deprecation is an honest and humorous acknowledgement of the effects of time/gravity/car accidents. in a way, it's like saying ,'this is what i look like, deal with it.' kind of a silly way to say it's really ok not too look like the airbrushed models in magazines because people who meet me generally find i come across as comfortable in my skin (stretchmarked and dimpled as it is, heheehe). at the same time, if i am going to be completely honest there are times when the light hearted jokes i make about myself are a form of self protection. if i can say it first i won't be hurt if you say something later. it's leftovers from a lot of criticism as a child.
["f i can say it first i won't be hurt if you say something later. it's leftovers from a lot of criticism as a child." Oh boy ain't that the truth! Between freckles as a little kid (which for some reason was deemed unattractive in my school) and genuinely awful acne as a teen and asthma-related chicken-chestedness till my late 20s there's a little voice inside me that's always saying "you're ugly, you're weak, you're stupid, you're wrong" at the least provocation. And when it gets out of control I start inserting qualifications into everything I say, can't stand my photos, can't believe I post such drivel... And the trick is exactly to remember that it's leftovers, and listen to it the way you''d listen to a second or ninth grade child -- all bluster and frustration and very little, well, accuracy. But the point is it's *exactly* leftovers! Are you Angelina Jolie? No. Am I Brad Pitt? Certainly not. Are our little voices therefore right that we're not attractive, sexy, important, loveable or whatever our leftovers want us to think? Not at all. We're both real adults, and more than passingly sexy... as long as we don't take those leftovers at their word anyway. Finally, don't get me wrong about self-deprecation -- I think it's fine to joke about it as long as we don't take it so far we forget it's a joke, as long as we don't do it so well we start convincing others. Thank you so much, Lime. --fl]
Submitted by 768 (not verified) on Wed, 2006-05-24 13:52.
Stumbled across your blog a few days ago, and am really enjoying it! I've been reading your archives, and looking at your yummy photos, and know I'll be a regular visitor from now on!
On the subject, I definitely feel like our perceptions color, if not create, our realities.
For years, I struggled with poor self-esteem, and a negative body image. The two were inextricably linked. It was not until after the birth of my first child that my opinions of myself started to change. The profound experience of pregnancy and childbirth changed me utterly, in so many ways. I began to love my body for the things of which it was capable. I could prop that baby right up there on those big hips and the breasts that I had always wished were a little bigger fed and nourished a life for a year. The slight roundness of my belly was a reminder of my fertility, and the ability of my body to produce life.
And, being a mother and being good at it changed how I felt about myself. Finally, I was comfortable in my own skin.
Being comfortable in my skin translated to all areas of my life, and generated nothing but improvement.
So as far as Cameo said that sexy is a state of mind, I totally agree. I am humongously pregnant with my second and third children (yep, twins!), and have never felt so sexy! Of course, there has been that amazing sex drive that often accompanies pregnancy...
Now, back to your archives!
[Yup, it boils down to learning to be comfortable in the skin we're in, as the blogger Muse says. Thanks, Windhag. --fl]
Submitted by 768 (not verified) on Wed, 2006-05-24 14:02.
It is true that it is all just a state of mind... if we are in a certain mindful state then things always look different.
"what isn't available to you now that you could have if you finally..."
My answer would be nothing.... I know that nothing I do would change the outcome. I sometimes wish it would... but I know that it will always be the same.
When someone constantly berates themselves... they eventually believe it is true. The opposite is also true. Well I guess it really isn't the opposite. But when your partner constantly tells you one thing... even though you try hard to not listen... it eventually sinks in. That is even harder to over come.
So does size matter... no it doesn't. Size is just a number. whether it is a body size or a cock size... It is still just another number.
If someone constantly tells you that you are fat or unattractive or not deserving... If you hear it often enough. That is what you believe.
beautifully captured photo... i just want to kiss it... right there.
[The harsh thing about being berated, especially by a partner, parent, a child, a boss, or someone else inseparably close like that is that you can't ever know if they're telling the truth or just pushing your buttons to keep you off guard. And I don't mean in a deliberate, malicious way -- it's often entirely unconscious and defensive though it stings no less for that. Sit in on any (unknown-to-you) contested divorce and try and reconcile the bitter allegations with the ordinary humans they're laid against... it happens, they might even most likely believe it, but it just isn't so to someone outside the relationship. The way he breathes isn't universally offensive. The way she does her hair doesn't make her look immature. Instead they wallpapered the big stuff, leaving the little stuff to madden them. Anyway, I think that happens far more often than not. In other words browbeating often isn't true, more often it's more, well, wallpaper. Thanks, SilentOne. --fl]
Submitted by 768 (not verified) on Wed, 2006-05-24 20:59.
*lick*
peace...
[Thanks, Monkey! --fl]
Submitted by 768 (not verified) on Wed, 2006-05-24 21:27.
...you can bet that I strut my stuff - cuz Boss tells me all the time how sexy I am.
When I reread Cameo's comment to your first post, I found that she had identified the most common sabotage to any attempt to positively change your acceptance of your body: the negative criticism of those who are close to you. You're not sure if your sibling, partner or *friend* is trying to be helpful, is just plain mean, or is projecting his/her own physical flaws on you. And you're right, fl, the beraters are often unaware of what they're doing, or why. But the end result is that you're not going to feel particularly sexy if your question, "Hey, whadya think of my new jeans?" prompts this response: "They're great. Trouble is that style only looks good on really thin people."
You can be philosophical about it and say to yourself, "People who are critical about others are really unhappy with themselves." But those comments are like the intestinal flu: it takes some time to recover from them. And if you live/work with a critic, you're going to spend a lot of time recovering.
The novelist Doris Lessing used a term in one of her novels that I think is quite apt: the middle class of good looks. That's where most of humanity rests on the scale of beauty. It would be pretty pathetic to say you couldn't enjoy life because you were not fabulously rich, only middle class. By analogy, it's just as pathetic to think that you're not entitled to feeling sexy if you are not fabulously beautiful, only good looking.
Very good discussion, fl and commenters. Thank you.
[I think Doris Lessing had it exactly right -- that's a great analogy! Thanks for bringing it to the conversation, Kochanie. --fl]
Submitted by 768 (not verified) on Thu, 2006-05-25 05:35.
Your post about the "poor as church mice" acquaintances reminded me of a conversation I had with an unfortunately EX friend of mine. She always bitched about not getting hothouse roses and fancy chocolates on "occasions". I pissed her off by telling her she didn't really love him, because if the emotion is there, I personally don't need Godiva's and $100 bouquets -- I'm thrilled to tears with a Hershey bar and a daisy from a ditch. Size/price DOESN'T matter; it truly is the thought that means the most. She didn't agree that bigger/more expensive isn't necessarily better, being a very unhappy and unsatisfied person in general. Sad, isn't it?
One thing I'm NOT sad about is this new photo series of yours!!
[Glad you like the new photos, Rhia. Sorry to hear about your friend. Along those lines I remember working for a guy when I first moved out here and price was the only thing his fiancee paid attention to -- he said any time they walked into a store of any kind she'd always ask the salesperson "what's the most expensive thing here" and then say "Oh, I want that." (She evidently meant it too. Weird thing is he thought it was cute but since he was just a fast-food manager I have to wonder how the marriage went.) Thanks! --fl]