Ok, so I keep coming back to this question in different ways. I guess because I’m still not satisfied. And I don’t think I’ve asked it this directly:
Do you have sex only for the orgasms or is there something else that makes it attractive?
I ask this for several reasons. The big one being the biological imperative theory of orgasms: if we didn’t have them we wouldn’t have sex, and if we didn’t have sex we wouldn’t reproduce, and if we didn’t reproduce we’d go extinct.
The other relates, not surprisingly to food. I started composing this post in my head as I was making lunch just now. (I’m typing between bites right now.) I was flipping starved! I had an aching, empty longing for food. I had a sincere biological imperiative to eat. There’s a reproductive survival component here: If I don’t eat I can’t work. If I can’t work I can’t feed my children. If I can’t feed my children they won’t grow up to reproduce and my selfish little genes will go extinct. Mostly I was shakey hungry though and dying to eat.
Sometimes I have an aching, empty longing for sex. I can have an orgasm pretty much any time I want but that usually only whets my appetite for sex. A few years ago I took some medications that made it very, very to have an orgasm at all and virtually impossible to have one during any kind of sex with someone else. It didn’t make me want sex any less. So if aching/empty is good enough for eating, and aching/empty is there for sex too…
So what do you want sex for? The orgasms? Or something (maybe *everything) else?
[Yes, I should have put on my shoes too but the suit was coming back off almost instantly so… —fl]
Submitted by 429 (not verified) on Mon, 2005-10-31 15:01.
Me personally? I want sex for everything, literally *everything* else.
[Yup. We don't *dance* for the orgasms. We don't hold hands for the orgasms. We don't kiss on the park bench for hours and then go home saying "What a waste, nor orgasms!" --fl]
Submitted by 429 (not verified) on Mon, 2005-10-31 15:33.
Sex -- wanted for the warmth, the closeness, the tactical sensations, the whispered words, the happy thoughts, etc.
[Exactly! *And* the orgasms, not just *For* the orgasms. Thanks, Rosie. --fl]
Submitted by 429 (not verified) on Mon, 2005-10-31 15:40.
I just read you for the articles...
but seriously folks.
I think orgasms are important and a sex life without them would probably suck at least at first. But there is more to sex than just coming. But the act generally leads to the big pleasure boom so its hard to determine what is really driving the ache.
Connection and pleasure.
[I know at least one woman who has orgasms so easily (just riding a bike, for instance) but pretty much dreads sex. I know quite a few women who've never come, or never come during sex anyway, who totally love it anyway. And all kinds of people, men and women, ache for it whether they can come or not. I totally agree it's better to have both, I'm just saying I think they're two separate drives that generally overlap conveniently. Oh yeah, and Goose of *course* I read you only for your articles too. :-) --fl]
Submitted by 429 (not verified) on Mon, 2005-10-31 16:18.
I think for me, sex is for the closeness and intimacy of being with him. Sometimes we 'fuck' just for the sake of fucking, and getting off. Sometimes we don't get off from intercourse at all, but other ways, and sometimes one of us will decide to get the other one off orally or manually and both of us have expressed the satisfaction afterward of being so into it for the other person that it is as if we got off too.
[Getting off together is *always* a great reason.Just not the only one. Just not the only one if I'm right. :-) --fl]
Submitted by 429 (not verified) on Mon, 2005-10-31 17:11.
Lets see... I like both. Sex and orgasms! The more orgasms I have, the more sex I want. The more sex, the more orgasms. Sounds great to me.
[Thanks, Shelby! --fl]
Submitted by 429 (not verified) on Mon, 2005-10-31 19:04.
I apprisite the closeness of the two bodies durring sex, and there's something emotional that happens with all that friction; like our bodies and our "souls" (for lack of a better word) are rubbing and sharing good feelings all around.
There must be something else to sex (besides the orgasms) that brings people together to live (and thus survive) together, have children together, and take care of the children together - maybe in some cases it really IS "making love".
Or maybe I just REALLY need my dinner. ^_~
[Good point. Thanks for re-invoking the food issue, Shay. If it were really all and only about orgasms sex would be the dull equivalent of eating out of the pot, over the sink. (Which, come to think about it, actually one of my wildest sexual encounters included eating over the sink but I digress... and that didn't involvet eating food.) --fl]
Submitted by 429 (not verified) on Mon, 2005-10-31 19:27.
Warning, Fig...I'm going to qualify this: If it's good sex, orgasm or not doesn't matter. I mean, let's face it... There's times when I just do NOT want to have an orgasm, and will disengage that part of my brain. But I still want the intimacy of sex. I still want him between my thighs, I want that weight, I want that warmth. By the same token, there's times when I want an orgasm and want to achieve that orgasm by having sex (orgasm with intimacy, if you will). But it has to be good sex. Bad sex just fosters bad feelings, whether or not orgasm is involved (and yes, orgasms have happened with bad sex). So to answer the original question: It depends ;-)
[Oh yeah, *bad* sex is bad sex regardless of the orgasm count. There are a number of good reasons for not obsessing about orgasms but inconsideration and ineptitude aren't good reasons. --fl]
Submitted by 429 (not verified) on Mon, 2005-10-31 22:15.
I have been having sex for over 10 years. I have been orgasming for 3 years. When I first taught myself to orgasm, it was something I only did by myself (I was not in a relationship at the time)...when I would have sex with guys and not orgasm, they would feel robbed...but I always thought, I can have an orgasm whenever I want, I choose to have sex right now because that is what I want. Now I can do both...the orgasms I share with my partner are different than the ones I have on my own. I have sex for lots of reason...but it's rarely for the orgasm (I'm working on living life for the process rather than the product or end result)...however 99.9% of the time, an orgasm is the end result.
[Good way of putting it "Living life for the process rather than the end product." (I could see how that would drive list makers crazy so I wouldn't hold everyone to it.) Thanks, Julie. --fl]
Submitted by 429 (not verified) on Mon, 2005-10-31 22:49.
No one has brought up the male/female thing yet and I don't wanna wear the gender essentialist hat...but there does seem to be greatly different expectations from most men, versus most women, about getting the big cookie with icing at the end of the rainbow (how's that again?). It took me a long time to accept that Goose could enjoy a "quickie" that got me off and got her just, well, all wet. It'd be tough for me to do the same. Erections go away by themselves, but so slooooowly.
[Yeah, me too. Ain't it grand? Back before my vasectomy (age 21 or so) I didn't -- psychologically couldn't! -- have intercourse unless there was clear evidence of birth control. (Nobody trusted condoms and all known STDs were still curable with antibiotics back then.) I didn't learn how to come any other way than intercourse with a partner till I was in my 30s. It never, ever stopped me from enjoying sex though. That said, *of course* I'd always rather have an orgasm than not. It's just that sometimes it came up "not." And worse things than that happen to better people all the time. :-) Thanks, Gander. --fl]
Submitted by 429 (not verified) on Tue, 2005-11-01 00:53.
Me, it's the intimacy, the rawness of skin against skin, the rising and falling gasps and groans, the panting and grunting, him filling me, our mouths doing things to each other, the friction of my body against the mattress or the floor and him doing whatever I trust him to do that gets me riled and fulfills me, not the end result.
I love to orgasm, of course, but I don't orgasm easily, and don't begrudge my partner going there.
Oh, and the opening the door half-naked trick worked like a charm a couple weeks back. Heh heh. Keeping that card around to play again, lemme tell you.
[Thanks, Steff! Yeah, it's like if all we really wanted out of dancing was the music we could stay home, alone, in the basement, with our iPods sticking out of our ears. --fl]
Submitted by 429 (not verified) on Tue, 2005-11-01 07:28.
Late Halloween wishes sugar pants. I hope you wore nothing but a tie on your head and a tube sock on your ummmm... well no that would scare the kiddies right? LOL
I enjoy sex with my partner. Orgasm or no. It always feels good. I need the intimacy and the touching sometimes much more than the big O.
And sometimes I just like to get him off. Just because I know it makes him feel good and I love him. You know?
Look, whirlbrain put a dry, stale tootsie roll in my trick or treat bag last night. Yuck! You can have it.
[Funny you should mention the tube sock thing. Long, long ago I did attend a Halloween function wearing only a sock. Not a tube-sock though. But not an ankle sock either. Just a perfectly average-sized sock. Thanks DQ. --fl]
Submitted by 429 (not verified) on Tue, 2005-11-01 08:48.
Once again, I will answer in my own location.
Would it be possilbe to tuck wirtual dollars in your cyber g-string while you strip for us? Or perhaps you should include an audio file of stripper music?
Just kidding...
[Hmm. Micropayments! I actually rent space in someone's server farm so I really can't afford to directly post audio files. I'm still looking for a good hosting site. I don't think I'd really want to charge anything though and I don't really want to have ads either. There's gotta be a better solution. We'll see. :-) --fl]
Submitted by 429 (not verified) on Tue, 2005-11-01 13:00.
I actually meant more for my own pleasure in violating your g-string than for any monetary gain for you, Mr. F.
So cheeky...
[Apologies for my excessive earnestness. More to the point, my apologies for missing your main point, and not blushing appropriately, the first time. :-) --fl]
Submitted by 429 (not verified) on Tue, 2005-11-01 13:03.
The answer is I DON'T want sex! I have sex because my husband wants/needs it, and frankly I just do it to keep him happy. I've never, ever had an orgasm with a partner - neither nearby or during sex. Sex is okay, but I'd much rather have a lovely big chunk of chocolate cake, anyday :).
[I should add that it's always totally appropriate not to want sex if you just don't want it. It might be a bit of an issue if you don't want your husband to have it either, since that would be encroaching on *his* sexual autonomy, but married or single, nobody should have to have sex when he or she doesn't want to. --fl]
Submitted by 429 (not verified) on Wed, 2005-11-02 13:38.
Orgasm, orgasm, orgasm .... and then wait for a minute or two then find a dry spot then orgasm, orgasm..... No more dry spots... change sheets... cuddle .... Sleep.... sore the next day but satisfied.
[Hmm. Another good reason to prefer kitchen counters? :-) --fl]
Submitted by 429 (not verified) on Mon, 2006-05-01 05:46.
Doesn't seem you need more commentary here, but what the hell. I like to talk.
Orgasm is the least important component of sex for me. For years, I didn't, couldn't, come, especially when I was with someone else (something, I think, about being able to completely let go with someone else). So I grew to appreciate all the more the intimacy and non-orgasmic sensations of sex. That, now that I'm more readily orgasmic, is still the biggest part of it for me. The orgasm's great, don't get me wrong, and boy do I love to come, but I am never outright disappointed if I don't. I love the feelings, the physical sensations, of having sex. I love the intimacy. I love it when he comes (and feel more disappointed, actually, when he doesn't than when I don't). The orgasm is great, but it's a side-trip on the whole journey, and certainly not the destination itself.