I mentioned Goose and Gander in an earlier post admiring, among other things, the combination of sensuality and silliness they bring to their BDSM and multiple-partner sexual encounters.
Along those lines, then, I’d like to highlight a point Greta Christina makes about the way we too often treat sex as if it were a job interview, a surgical operation, a tournament round, or a church service…
The thing is, sex — both vanilla and kinky — can often feel so very serious, all fraught and intense and laden with meaning and consequence. And while that can be lovely, it can also be a burden, adding this lead weight of self-consciousness and anxiety that really doesn’t help the proceedings.
... in the course of just totally knocking two related issues out of the park: the negative connotations of spanking, and the embarrassment of being seen by others with “o-face” in a serious pean to silliness in sex.
But spanking is right on the border between the two. It’s just transgressive enough to make you feel like a freak — and it’s just un-transgressive enough to make you feel like a dork. You can beg your partner to beat you, or stand over them with a whip in your hand, and feel like an outlaw and a rebel. But it’s very hard to say “Please spank me” and not feel at least a little bit like a nerd. When you’re bent over someone’s lap with your pants pulled down, or caressing someone’s bare bum getting ready to give them a good smack, it can feel like a crowd of invisible vanilla people is standing alongside, cringing and saying, “Ew, gross, you’re into that?” — while a crowd of invisible sadomasochists stands next to them, rolling their eyes and saying, “Oh, puh-leez. Give me a break.” You get the silly feeling from both sides of the vanilla/pervert spectrum.
But that’s not what I’m talking about here. What I’m talking about is the connection between silliness and playfulness. The fact that it’s hard to take spanking too seriously can create a certain freedom to simply enjoy it.
And when you come right down to it, any kind of sexuality can look pretty darned silly. When you think about any type of sex too closely and imagine what it might look like to visiting space aliens, it all can seem outrageously, mortifyingly ridiculous. Now, you can deal with the absurdity of sex by simply ignoring it and not letting it get to you. And there are times when that’s the right thing to do. But there are times when it’s completely appropriate to accept the absurdity, and revel in your inner dorkiness. And when you’re whipping yourself into a sexual frenzy by spanking a bare bottom or getting your own bottom spanked, that might be a good time to start.
To this day I’ve regretted never making the connection between various partner’s reactions to spanking-like activities, and I seriously regret (and someday hope to apologize) for sort of freaking out at the partners who hinted they’d get off on me spanking them. (This in the face of me being perfectly comfortable playing the top in sometimes quite heavy bondage games, sometimes with the same partners.) Anyway, Christina exactly gets to the root of why it’s not the big, or exotic, or even particularly kinky deal it’s often made out to be. (Mea culpa: that I too have made as big a deal out of as anyone else.)
As for how silly we look when we have sex? Particularly when compared to photographed or filmed media representations which are, by definition, dramatic reenactments rather than actual experience? Oh well, we’ve usually got a choice between looking good and feeling good. Me? Once you recognize where they’re coming from, the shift of sensation from cerebrum to brain stem, the shift from facial expression to body expression? My, my that kind of “silly” looking is about as sexy looking as we can be.