Teppycat of The Switch Is Not A Myth, a bit nettled about role expectations in BDSM, raises a set of points that apply to nearly all role-based stereotypes.
But what pisses me off more, what this entry is about, is the assumption that, because I switch roles when it comes to BDSM, I also switch how I interact with the world outside the dungeon. Uh, no. Who I am is who I am.
An example: I was at a meeting of the local BDSM group, and we were splitting into small groups to get some administrative crap done. It was like herding cats, and, because I’m bossy and anal and would have made an excellent dictator of a small island nation, I took charge and directed the groups to where they should sit, made sure everyone had pens and paper, etc.
The president of the group (who happens to be a male dom) snarkily commented, “Well, I see which way you’re switching today!”
Uh, no. My whole life, I’ve been bossy and pushy and anal-retentive and really good at organizing things and people. I’ve never been shy and retiring or too timid to speak up, EVER. Just because I’m being outspoken doesn’t mean that I’m “being toppy.” If I were taciturn, that wouldn’t mean I was “being submissive.”
And since I don’t think one can ever do enough to encourage readers to visit linked-to sites I’ll just add that a couple paragraphs down from the part I quoted Teppycat has a sharp paragraph about the assumptions that lead people to sneer at submissives who express their opinions in group discussions, and that lead tops to imagine they’re best suited to lead discussions.
Submitted by 1927 (not verified) on Sun, 2008-02-10 16:07.
Thanks for this. Some people expect me to be mean in real life when they learn I lean toward being dominant in the bedroom, but I'm really a pretty laid-back and agreeable person. This does not equal being a pushover, as I've learned over the past several years. When I am teaching or negotiating, I usually cultivate a calm, impartial-seeming persona, and this works better for me than getting upset or shouty. (Actually, I'm sure some people find my leadership style disagreeable, since it fits either the "cold bitch" stereotype or the "male-identified" stereotype, depending on your preference. But it doesn't seem to fit the "feisty domme" stereotype at all.) Sometimes shouting is strategically effective, like when you need to talk to the supervisor of a person who is giving you trouble, but it makes me feel lousy in way that my "calm leadership" persona never does.
[If I wasn't feeling a little shell-shocked I'd probably have made a clearer connection between this point and people who confuse what may turn heterosexuals on *in or on their way to bed* with how they/we should behave towards each other the rest of the time. But y'know, it's actually just a great point about tops, bottoms, and switches. Thanks, P. --fl]
Submitted by 1927 (not verified) on Sun, 2008-02-10 19:26.
My own, very limited, experience has been that men I've known (haven't had any personal experience with other women and BDSM) who identify as "Dom" in the bedroom, are reasonable and calm people outside of the bedroom, and rarely try to boss people around. Thinking otherwise just shows lack of comprehension. In fact, having a sexual outlet of any kind that satisfies seems likely to make a person well-balanced in day-to-day interactions, in my opinion.
["...having a sexual outlet of any kind that satisfies..." Nicely put, Marianne. I think part of the problem with, well, too many people kink-ish or no, is that the outlets they seek (say, "scoring" for some people, fad-influenced rather than authentic submission) *fails* to satisfy and thus fails to balance as well. --fl]
Submitted by 1927 (not verified) on Sun, 2008-02-10 21:21.
That's interesting, isn't it? Because isn't it part of the old stereotypical joke that its all high-powered ultra-aggressive male executives who end licking the spikes heals of a dominatrix?
People are silly, the way they assume that everyone has a two dimensional personality.
[It's not even that stereotypes are wrong: I don't think I've ever mentioned it but you could probably guess I'd have a hard time making up objections to interracial relationships. What's not so hot, though, is picking lazy, sloppy stereotypes and then hanging on to them with an individual after actual experiences with them start to pile up. Thanks, RPB. --fl]
Submitted by 1927 (not verified) on Mon, 2008-02-11 01:13.
Thank you so much for linking that! I think I've definitely realised what's missing from my life is a kinky partner. I feel that some BDSM play would be really good for me.
But life and relationships are compromise, and I love William. I just need to figure out an outlet for my repressed switch personality...
(Oh, and the general point was good too, it's just that Teppycat's posts ring so damn close to my heart I was shocked and gratified)
[Yeah, I was all set to get into the general point about gender roles and decided to give it a rest. (I've picked up on it again in a later post quoting a political/non-sex blogger though.) Thanks, Dana. --fl]