It’s too late and I’ve had a busy day but I just wanted to point out that Miss Syl is hosting a very interesting discussion on monogamy over at Sexeteria.
More than a couple of interesting points that have been raised, including
The dishonesty of infidelity is more painful than non-monogamy
People who don’t agree on anything else about monogamy agreed on the point that violations of trust are especially painful.- Stereotypes about men and women aren’t helping the situation
Also here’s a lovely quote that I commented on extensively earlier today
But history is filled with examples of terrible, false stereotypes that have hijacked the human imagination and held it for ransom for years before the truth can be rescued. Just because people believe it doesn’t make it true.
I may have more to say in the morning. I mean, I certainly have more to say and, time permitting, I’ll probably say it. If you blog about relationships, sex, porn, stereotypes, or even sociobiology you’ll find fodder for at least one post of your own. And whether you blog or not you’ll find interesting things to comment on.
Submitted by 636 (not verified) on Tue, 2006-02-28 03:31.
I agree that the dishonesty of infidelity is what is absolutely heartbreaking. But for me - I know that I couldn't handle a partner not being faithful to me regardless of lies or not.
I need to know that I'm the only one in someone's heart and their only love and I don't think that is the case if you're seeing other people. I can understand that other couples get off on being with other people and it works fine in their relationship - that's cool for them if it works. For me, it's not so cool.
[I knew I wrote that post too fast, too late. I should have said that despite the fact that people who don't agree on anything else agreed on the point that violations of trust is especially painful. Thanks for calling me on that, M. I'll correct it right away. --fl]
Submitted by 636 (not verified) on Tue, 2006-02-28 09:39.
Damn but I love this showerset series!
[Great! Thanks, Mona. --fl]
Submitted by 636 (not verified) on Tue, 2006-02-28 10:44.
I remember a girlfriend of mine confiding in me that she was contemplating an affair with a married man, one with a small child, no less.
I told her I thought it was a bad idea.
"But I'm sure the sex would be so great with this guy! There's sooo much chemistry!"
I gave her the look. "I can have great sex BY MYSELF."
I don't think she ever did go anywhere with this guy and in fact the "chemistry" was all in her head. Would that she could put that imagination to better use BY HERSELF.
Miss Syl is a keeper. Thanks.
[Yup. While I don't object in principle to non-cheating non-monogamy, I agree that when you've chosen monogamy fantasies about cheating almost always turn out better than actually cheating. Thanks, Blue Gal. --fl]
Submitted by 636 (not verified) on Tue, 2006-02-28 11:29.
Hmm. Non-monogamy's very interesting to me right now... I've always, always been steadfastly opposed to it.
And now I'm considering it.
I have plans to meet with a married guy in an open marriage on the weekend. (The wife's lover lives with them.)
I can't even believe I'm considering this, but it occurs to me that I'm just at a certain point in my life that the math adds up, that this will suit me better than any other arrangement might in the present.
But oh, my god, the reservations I'm feeling. Unfortunately the "oh, let's go break some of the rules" draw is a bigger turn-on momentarily. I think I'm feeling rebellious, but I'm also curious about what the whole trend to polyamory's about, and I want a closer look before I pass too much judgment. And some fun couldn't hurt.
But Jesus, what a lifestyle departure for us bread'n'butter vanilla types. I'm really, really curious.
Of course nothing may happen and I might go home and sigh a huge sigh of relief for narrowly missing a major ethical decision. Ha. We'll see what happens.
[I applaud your sense of responsibility, Steff. I'm not sure it applies in a situation where none of the married parties appear to be monogamous but it sounds like you'll feel better being safe than sorry even in a case like this. --fl]
Submitted by 636 (not verified) on Tue, 2006-02-28 13:26.
i think the fear of infidelity is really more a fear of abandonment and a loss of love. that's where jealousy comes in, i think. we expect people to only have a finite capacity for romantic love, so it bothers us when they show some romantic interest elsewhere. no matter that many people who profess to be monogamous wind up falling in live several times over in their lives.
the human heart is far too complicated to be pigeonholed neatly into monogamy or even polyamory. for the most part, people have no problems exploring THEIR romantic options, but blanche when their partner wants to do the same. basically the question is--can we handle a level playing field in the area of romance? most people choose to level the playing field by attempting to prohibit one person to one partner. polyamorists try to do this the other way--by increasing everyone's options.
as for the women who bray the loudest about the importance of fidelity--i'd love to be the fly on the wall when fate throws them a curve ball and they wind up falling off the wagon when they meet someone desirable and willing.
i never put stock in surveys or polls, especially when women are involved. people lie ALL THE TIME, especially to pollsters. and really, most people would never be completely honest to a total stranger about their true sexual histories. in a world where anti-choice women get abortions from the very clinics they picket, i know enough to never pay attention to the women who give a lot of lip service to fidelity.
this is not to say that i think fidelity is impossible. all i'm saying is that fidelity is an issue that we can never ever really know the truth about, because everyone with anything to say about it has their prejudices and demons to deal with.
[Yup, there are a lot of pretty powerful traditions behind it and that can lead both to unhappy compliance and defiant contravention. Neither stance is ideal. Thanks, Laura. --fl]
Submitted by 636 (not verified) on Tue, 2006-02-28 14:53.
"Damn but I love this showerset series!"
I just want to know when he's gonna drop the damn jeans!!!
The tease is always a winner.
Every time.
Rey
[Oh it'll happen sooner or later, Rey. :-) Thanks. --fl]
Submitted by 636 (not verified) on Fri, 2006-03-10 12:55.
very nice HNT, I am enjoying the talk on monogamy, something I am not and I have a very hard time considering but I am an eager learner and have enjoyed the different views. enjoy your day
[Thanks, Charlotte. Nice camo nails! --fl]