I need to disclaim right up front that one swallow does not a summer make, that the plural of “anecdote” is not “data,” and otherwise admit that the following scenario may taste better with a grain of salt…
...but picture this:
There I am on a busy Monday morning
The stay-at-home dad, on play-date shuttle duty
Multiple children in the back of his minivan
Stopped for gas at a neighborhood station
Dad looks at construction site across the street
Notices two backhoe/loaders and full-size, triple-axle Peterbilt dump truck
Attractive jeans-clad woman mid-jobsite standing between the truck and loaders
Talking on her cell phone
Walks over to nearer backhoe
Pockets her phone
Yells something to the near backhoe operator
Gives complex, directive hand signals to distant backhoe operator
Climbs up, up behind the wheel of the Peterbilt and drives away
Stay-at-home dad climbs back into minivan
Wishing his children were old enough to still say “ooh, lookit the big trucks”
Glad they’re not old enough to remember when only moms drove minivans…
...and only men drove 40,000lb-capacity dump trucks.
My dad was out a few years ago and went with the children and me to a park. And he really noticed the men and just marveled, with undisguised envy and sadness, at how it would have been unthinkable for men of his generation to spend so much time with us, their children. At first, mired in my own stereotypes and biases I made up that they were just visitation-rights dads, it being a Saturday and all.
But since a couple of months before Father’s Day I’ve been really seeing men with their children, buying gas, buying groceries, small children on their hips talking cars and sports and jobs with other men, hanging in parks and playgrounds with strollers. I’ve been wanting lately to take up my camera, to haunt these venues and capture those images for the world to see men not just in traditional dad roles with balls or bats, nor just father roles with life- and driving lessons, with mothers always on hand nearby, but men as parents, not only prepared for scraped knees and snotty noses, not just prepared to say no to extravagant treats, not just prepared with diaper bags and plastic bags for smelly lanolin/aloe wipes, but unconcerned about being so prepared. Men as parents, men as nurturers, and no less essentially men for all that.
I’ve been wanting to capture that essence in photographs, to share it, show it, show it’s not just possible but that it’s already happening. Not only to show the world but to remind myself, as I should have when my father was visiting, that no matter how strong our stereotypes it’s not all about visitation rights days, about fathers as evening-and-weekend hobbyists.
I don’t know if the woman with the dump truck, supervising her backhoe/loader operators in her tight jeans and nice top, has a man who stays at home with their children. My guess would be probably not. Yet.
And that’s another way the world has changed since my father was my age.
One swallow does not a summer make. The plural of “anecdote” is not “data.” And the world, the country, and even my maybe-more-progressive-than-most city is full of counterexamples. And what we call patriarchy has a Xeno’s Paradox-y way of remaining firmly in place no matter how often the distance is halved…
So I know we gotta take these incidents with a grain of salt. But enough of those grains of salt, scattered on gender roles frozen in seemingly timeless ice of mindless tradition, softens it, weakens it, melts it.
We can do this.
Submitted by 1570 (not verified) on Mon, 2007-08-27 16:18.
As an early education teacher i.e. a preschool teacher and male. I have to say that along with being fathers it is also nice to see the increase in the number of men who are teaching. I have not been teaching for long, but it is nice that I see men who are also teachers and not just of the higher grades, but of young children as well. This is another area where I have had women surprised that I teach young children. As a quick story, I once had a women say to me, "What would you do if a child fell down and was crying?" My answer, "Pick them up and comfort them while they cry." She was amazed that a man would actually comfort a child and not tell them to stop crying or some other non-sense. Anyway, great post yet again Figleaf.
[Thank you, Boxer Rebel. Yeah, it's kind of weird how people *just don't imagine* that we could do that stuff, as if it were just... built in that we couldn't work a diaper pin or use band-aids or teach small children. Just don't cop out when they try to tell you you must just be "more in touch" with your "feminine side," as if *real* men just couldn't do what you, or we, or, really, every other man on the planet either *could do* or does. --fl]
Submitted by 1570 (not verified) on Mon, 2007-08-27 19:30.
When our kids were a little younger Dcup and I often tag teamed being at home. I loved being the stay at home dad about 10 years ago. I'm not sure if I was good at it or not but I remember being very affectionate with my kids at the time.
Sometimes I would go with some of the mom's to the kiddie land amusement park. That was fun and I was just one of the group and gender did not matter.
[Yeah, I loved it. And not like "loved the vacation in Disneyland" loved it but loved it for the ups *and* downs. Thanks, D. --fl]
Submitted by 1570 (not verified) on Mon, 2007-08-27 23:58.
What a lovely post, Figleaf. You've really touched my heart. My dad was old school in that he went to the office every day, and mom was the caregiver/chauffer/chief cook and bottle washer. Dad and I were inseperable on the weekends, however-- riding around in our dune buggy, watching sports, taking walks, cooking breakfast, too many things to mention. After I graduated from college, I ended up working at my dad's office with him and I still work there, nearly 20 years later. Our relationship was wonderful and the longer we worked together, the more like peers we became... I lost my dad in February, and I miss him every day. You are a lucky man, and your children are perhaps luckier still. Treasure every day. (sorry for getting sappy on you, you caught me on a maudlin day I guess)
[It's not sappy to miss your father, L. That was a great comment with nothing at all to apologize for. Thanks. --fl]
Submitted by 1570 (not verified) on Thu, 2007-08-30 11:28.
my brother has been taking the care that needs to be taken since our parents are still healthy... thank goodness.
I'm pleased for you that your parents continue well. I assume your brother is closer geographically, and I'm sure he's happy to do what is needed.
In my case, my sister and I are all my mother has by way of relatives. My sister is in Canada, my mother in England, so all care is down to me and that's what governs the time we are able to spend in any other country. Fortunately my other half supports me and helps where he can with practical issues. If things change with your parents, your brother will need emotional support as much as, possibly more than, anything else.
[You're right that it's a lot about geography. Also inclination, since my brother has said he's always wanted to. On my partner's side of the family it's also the two brothers who stayed in town who've been bearing the brunt with her parents, though the girls (if you can call women in their 40's and 50's girls) visit very regularly from all over the country. Still, it's something to bring futher into consciousness. Thanks, A! --fl]
Submitted by 1570 (not verified) on Thu, 2007-08-30 07:02.
One swallow does not a summer make. The plural of "anecdote" is not "data."...So I know we gotta take these incidents with a grain of salt. But enough of those grains of salt, scattered on gender roles frozen in seemingly timeless ice of mindless tradition, softens it, weakens it, melts it.
We can do this.
Yes, we can. And yes, you did.
Beautifully written, fl.
[Thank you very kindly, Kochanie. --fl]
Submitted by 1570 (not verified) on Wed, 2007-08-29 08:18.
Another Dad story coming up... Mine came from a generation quite a bit earlier than many of your readers, so may seem traditional in many ways. But for the time he was quite ahead of the field. He couldn't feed children or grandchildren - breastfeeding fixed that one, but he did look after us. He was the main breadwinner but my mother did work, even when we lived abroad. As we grew older, he involved my sister and myself in as many of his activities as he possibly could and that included all sorts. I can remember even being taken into the hospital to "help", long, long before "take your daughter to work" days started.
One thing I do think has changed as well is men's contribution to care of the older generation. I've noticed recently an increasing number of men helping parents with their shopping, and my husband did everything for his parents during their last years. My perception is that in the past that fell to the wife, no matter whose parents they were.
I sort of hoped that the towel might have disappeared while I was away, but at least the grip is less firm :)
[Ooh, excellent point, A. It's an interesting new metric and I'm going to have to reassess the part I'm playing in my family's elder care. (Though, to be honest, my brother has been taking the care that needs to be taken since our parents are still healthy... thank goodness.) Thanks! --fl]
Submitted by 1570 (not verified) on Tue, 2007-08-28 11:41.
My dad is a pretty traditional absent dad. If you ask him why they got divorced it's cos my mum didn't "behave herself" ie. do all the housework as in having the house spotless and dinner waiting when he fancied coming home.
My mum on the other hand is not a traditional mum... ^^
[Yeah, and at the end of the day who suffers from that? Trick question, of course, *everybody* suffers including the perpetrators. ("Compassion for" obviously is not at all the same thing as "excusing." And whoever taught him that's what it takes to be "a man" basically cursed both of them.) Sounds like your mom did what needed to be done and I think that's great, but still, pretty tragic all around that he couldn't have whatever combination of courage and knowledge to be whole instead of half. Thank you, Mortality. --fl]
Submitted by 1570 (not verified) on Mon, 2007-08-27 13:17.
When I was born in 1967, my mother's friends were terribly jealous of her for having a husband who changed diapers, dressed and fed babies, etc. It took many years before I realized that not all fathers were hands-on Dads like mine. My Dad was the one up walking the floor with crying babies, feeding babies, etc. He took us girls everywhere and anywhere. Even though he worked full-time, I spent more time with my father than my mother growing up and I think I am a better person for it. My Dad is still a hands-on Dad and Grandfather, into his 70s.
I love that more and more fathers are like my trailblazing Dad - taking a hands-on approach to parenting and sharing those duties and privileges with their partner.
I knew the world had changed a lot for women when my law school class was 51% female.
Great observations!
[Thank you, Bunny. If I was going to pursue this men-with-babes-in-arms project I'd definitely want to look up pioneers like your father, especially if they're now handling *grandchildren* in arms. --fl]
Submitted by 1570 (not verified) on Mon, 2007-08-27 15:45.
New to this blog and this posting really struck true. My dad is cut from the old skool, men don't cry, dance or smile cloth. He marvels at the role men play and because of my upbringing I often have those moments of "is that manly, and should I be doing that?"
[Hey, JD. And the answer you can fall back on, always, every time, is "everything I do is manly!" Because how the fucking hell can we be anything but manly when we're *men!* There *is* no "feminine" side to men, nor do women have a side that's "like a man that way." There's just lies we tell ourselves about what "real" men or "real" women *aren't* when, in fact, unless we lie about it we *are.* I mean *think about it,* how can we be real men if being "real men" means cutting out half or more than half of who we really are? And maintaining those lies has a cost that goes beyond dying earlier -- for instance as our fathers learn from watching us, pretending to be "men" instead of *being men* means our children never know how much we love them or what they really mean to us. Screw that, Why settle for being the half men our grandfathers forced our fathers to be when we know we can have it all? Thanks again, JD. Come back any time. --fl]
Submitted by 1570 (not verified) on Mon, 2007-08-27 16:10.
This is beautiful. It reminded me of my father (who is probably about your age, as a matter of fact). Ever since I can remember, he's done most of the cooking and a fair share of childcare in our house without worrying about whether it's unmanly. Growing up, I loved having a dad who would play basketball with me in the morning and bake pies with me in the afternoon.
Another wonderful thing about my dad is that he's never treated me as constrained to any sort of "girly" role. I got the athletics, the hiking, the math, and the creepy crawly animals, just like my brother. (Sadly, not all of my female friends were so lucky.) I'm not sure whether you have a daughter in addition to the son, but if you do, I hope you share a few stereotypically "boy" activities with her.
[That's so cool to hear about your father, P. Sounds like he raised wonderful children. I do have a daughter as well as a son and yeah, I do everything I can to raise them as unconstrained by gender convention as I know how. Thanks! --fl]